Extra Medication For All

fuckity fuck fuck

2004-06-04T06:49:44Z

its a wonder why i never post on this site anymore. it never fucking works. EVER! i have to hit reload like 6 times before i can view anything.
seriously. like get some more bandwith or something. i dunno.
my pictures arent working again. even when i upload them over again i still get red x's. what the fuck ever. so no pillze pic. *sadness* so im gonna rant a second on neurotically yours. yes its one of my favorite cartoons. but dude im seriously pissed that mr. mathers decided to sell foamy merch at hot topic. ewww. (sorry stacy i know you work there but i have no respect for your store) i kinda like the fact that not every knows who foamy is. i dont have the logo tatted on my ankle cuz im trying to be up to date on the cool on goings of the world. its there becuz its pretty and i love the shit that foamy stands for. which is basically fuck this world and everyone in it.
so small update.
broke up with the bill kid. i should learn that binghi boys are psycho. but i still love that place with a passion.
new job. same position. cashier at short stop truck plaza. you know how i love getting hit on by fat perverted truck drivers. ooh baby. but it pays well and i like it. most of the time.
i got a puppy. his name is darkheart (if you know which cartoon that name is from you get a cookie) hes a miniture pinscher. hes completely adorable and his evil side is starting to show. mainly by tormenting the hell out of my cats and my poor 15 year old dog. they're all bigger than him but he seems to rule right now. which i gotta respect.
so thats about it for now.
i should probably go to bed.
yup.

like whoa

2004-01-10T08:06:46Z

so just to let everyone know...i have a boyfriend now. his name is bill and hes awesome. i love him very much.
i still work at fucking speedway...i have no life.
its great lemme tell ya

Poop

2003-10-08T02:15:09Z

so yeah i got a job today. im gonna work midnights...but they're training me on dayturn. how great is that? what makes me sad is that lately ive been staying up all night talking to a certain boy. not only while training do i have to go to bed and not talk to him...but after that ill be at work and i wont be able to talk to him. its just not fair...but i need money.

holy crap

2003-10-06T20:44:01Z

i still have a journal here?
what the fuck?

oh tacos for dinner.
TAAACCCOOOOOOS!

Goodbye LiveJournal

2002-04-24T00:42:47Z

And so all things must come to an end. I've given up on Livejournal. The constant failure of the domain has driven me crazy long enough. No more down time. No more journal. TaDa! I've moved. If you actually give a shit about me, you can move your buttox over to My Diary. You know you want to.

Weekend Update With The Miss Of Piss

2002-04-22T06:28:49Z

And now here's the fake news.

Friday The 19th Well I took my sweet ass time doing nothing. I worked on my mom's stupid crafts for work. It took hours. I watched Gladiator and American Pie 2 in the time it took to make a small dent in the work. After that, since I had told Aime and Jason I'd come help with the house I got dressed and ready. I knew I would go out after though so I actually got ready. Spiked the hair. Put on my face. Black shorts, tube socks, suspenders, wife beater, and my sugar shoes. I looked fly. heh. So I went over there at 10. We cleaned some. We smoked a couple bowls and I had a couple beers. At 12:30 I had to use the bathroom badly. Since we haven't got water there yet there's no bathroom to use...so I decided to head. And I headed straight for Matt's. As soon as I got there I went to the bathroom. Mike & Mel and some of her friends were in the house. I talked to them a bit. After that I went out in the addition. They were listening to the new Explicit shit. Kalin is such an awesome singer. He looked so cute too! I think Matty's been making an effect on him. First he starts actually liking 311 and now he's dressing in odd tight shirts. Next he and I will be shopping at Goodwill together. Anyways so I drank a few beers and talked to some people. Kalin said he wanted to go to Glassjaw with me and I should call him about it. The usual thing was going on and then the lights went off. No body really knew what was going on. Then we figured it out. Mike, Matt's brother got all pissy cuz no one else but him and Mel and her friends wanted to listen to fucking Alice Deejay. Pop Techno bullshit is not really appreciated by a bunch of drunk hardcore kids and punks. So the lights came back on and we went back to whatever we were doing. Then Mike flipped the circuit breaker again! How fucking childish can you be? He's how old? Shit, I don't think I would stoop that low. Of course I wouldn't get so pissy if someone changed the cd. So everyone decided to leave. Poor little tipsy Kalin drove over the railroad tie on the side of Matt's driveway. Ahh had his license for 3 weeks and already driving while intoxicated. I decided to go to Ben's. I drove the both of us to his house. He sent up a fire in the yard while I ran into his apartment to use the bathroom. His place is fucking nice. When I got back outside his neighbor Shane had jumped the fence and joined us. We had a couple more beers and talked about things. When Shane left, Ben and I went up to his apartment and he put in the Fast & The Furious. We watched maybe half of it when I almost passed out. I was also freezing. I noticed Ben had fallen asleep so I turned the movie off. I got his blanket from his room and tucked him in. I hung up the phone and made my way out the door. Aren't I such a good person? I probably shouldn't have been driving since when I started out I was in drive instead of reverse and almost ran into the garage. But there was just no way I was staying at Ben's. Especially not with how he snores and not having a blanket for me. I made it home fine though. Sometimes I really don't know how I pull it off. So I walk into my house at 4:30 in the am with every intention of going online and talking to my Kissyfer. I came downstairs to find the computer was turned off and I didn't really want to wait so I just went to bed. When I turned the light on in my room I got the drunk scare of my life. Penny was in my bedroom. When I had turned on the light she jumped off my couch. I didn't expect it at all. She's never in my room. So other than the shock I didn't think much of it...until I got to my bed and discovered she'd pissed on it. By that time I was staring at my bed longing to sleep so I did what any drunk person would do. I threw a towel over it and went to bed anyways.

Saturday The 20th (Happy 420 Muthafuckas) So I woke up at noon...which was odd cuz at first I thought it was 2pm. I read clocks funny sometimes. Dad told me that Reese had called so I called her back. I had completely forgotten about going to Garbage. So we made plans on when to leave and what time they should come over. From there I fucked around a bit, then got dressed. I tried calling Kalin a couple times but the phone was busy. I ran around the house collecting change so I could have money for a Glassjaw ticket since Doug still has yet to pay me back. I left to go over to the other house since I told Jason I'd come over. I stopped at little mac's first and got my change turned into bills. Whoo hoo. When I got to my other house, Jason and Aime weren't there. Uncle Don was though...filling the lawn mower. Unfortunatly, he discovered that the can was of kerosine instead of gas so he fucked up the mower royally. He tried to get me to mow the lawn but I wasn't having it. I called Kalin's again and finally got through but there was no answer. I decided just to drive over there. Kalin's car was in Mama's drive way so I went downstairs. He wasn't in his room. I went upstairs and no one was around there either. Papa's dad was mowing the lawn so I went out to ask him where Kalin was. He didn't know but he said to knock on Marty's door and ask her. So I did...Marty was in there and when she opened the door I realized she'd been celebrating the day's festivities. She didn't know where Kalin had run off to. She said Bill had spent the night so maybe he was off with him. She said to try Matt's and just as I was about to leave Kalin walked in the door. We went in his room and talked for a bit. He thought that Mike was really pissed at him last night for taking off Alice Deejay but I told him not to worry about it. Mike can be a dick but he'll get over it. But anyways, we went to his mom's to gather money for his Glassjaw ticket. He made me promise that I wouldn't get lost on the way home this time. We played with his puppy Jade for a bit and his mom ended up giving him money for the demo. I wish my mom would give me 80 dollars just so I didn't have to take money out of the bank. But then again, I'm flat broke. I don't even have a bank account. I dropped him back off at Papa's and went home. I then set to work on fixing my Lucky Boys Confusion shirt so I could wear it to the concert. As I was finishing it up, Reese and Chris showed up. We got ourselves all prettyfied and we left around 6. The ride up wasn't too bad. We got to Cleveland at 7 and the Agora lot was already full. People were every where. All these fucking guys were in the street trying to get you to go to their lot to park. I told them to fuck off and parked on the street. Whoo hoo free parking. So we threw our shit in my trunk and went inside. I had to wait in this fucking long line just to get my Glassjaw tickets. When I got up to the window I told the chick two tickets for Hatebreed on Wednesday the 24th and she just kind of looked at me with this face that said Hate? Breed? like a fucking moron. After her pause she said ok, printed the tickets and said it was 27 dollars. It took me a minute to realized that 13.50 times 2 does really equal 27 so I gave her thirty dollars. Then the bitch walks around for 2 minutes trying to find quarters and gives me back 2.50. I was getting pissed at this point. I told her you said it was 27 dollars and I gave you 30. Moron girl just looks at me then says Oh and gives me another dollar for the 50 cents. I went in and met Reese and Chris on the stairs. Then we went in the theater. Oohhh we're getting to the good parts. I hadn't been in the theater since they started working on it. The floor now has no seats what so ever...it goes pit, a couple steps up to a standing area, and that repeats. The balcony still has seats. Hopefully they fixed them. Gawd knows when I saw Primus 2 of my seats broke and I know I'm not THAT fat. So we made our way down the pit...starting in the middle back. This little group of cherry lipped guys were standing next to us. I talked to Reese and Chris for awhile. Reese was being SO pissy. I swear I've never seen someone with a stick up thier ass at a concert. I mean you're there you should be happy. Oh but no....nothing was good enough. She complained about not being close enough...about not being able to see when there was nothing to see. I hate when she does that. So I started talking to the boys next to me. They were so cute all holding hands. They were really fun to talk to too. The first band, Abandoned Pools came on. They were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever did suck. It was just annoying. The chick bassist was trying really hard to be something she's not. Braided hair, outfit, and act all trying to be metal when the band was just pop crap. Reese would not stop complaining so Chris took her away closer to the stage. I didn't care and just stayed there with Alan and Dan. We made all these comments about the stupid band, their stupid bassist, and the guitarist that looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Actually he was kind of cute. We also made fun of these little girls who brought their moms with them that we're screaming over the stupid band. I would NEVER bring my mom with me to a concert. Then there was the really fat chick next to me wearing a tight as all hell shirt and it was so utterly disgusting. So the sucky band went off and we waited forever and a day for Garbage to come on. Finally it happened. Shirely was wearing black shorts, suspenders, and a beater...my outfit I had on the day before...only she was bra less. It was so obvious. She was a bit excited. The opened with Push It. I couldn't tell you the set list after that. Heh. Butch Vig had these awesome shields on his kit. They would reflect the lights all nifty like. So I danced and sang until my throat was horse. It was so hot and crowded but ever so much fun. Dan & Alan we're so excited when they did Cherry Lips. All and all it was fun. I found Reese and Chris after and Reese went to get a shirt. I just sat there holding my Glassjaw tickets. I've been doing that since I got them. I just can't wait. Reese spent 30 dollars on a shirt. That is such bullshit! Anyways we went home. I dropped them here and went to Lil Macs and bought beer and cigs. Yes I bought cigs. I'm so bad. No one was out and about so I came home and got online and started drinking. Steve was actually on and I talked to him. Then my Kissyfer came on and we were talking. Then Liam and Wolf were also talking to me and some chick that wanted me. I dunno. I was being bombarded. It was hard to keep up with Steve since he was on ftj chat. I was getting pretty tipsy and it was early in the morning. I could've sworn Steve said he was going so I signed off Ftj. It was weird talking to him. I hate that I still harbor feelings for him. I want to talk to him but it always seems so odd. Especially the way he can get sometimes. The things he says...makes me think things. I don't know. I was probabally better off signing out. Liam, Wolf, and the chick I think's name was Carol all went to bed and I was left with my Kissyfer. I was telling him how much I love him. It wasn't the alcohol talking either. He knows that. I love how we're best friends. I love how we don't agree on everything. I love that we can argue about stupid trivial things. I love the fact that he makes the attempt to like Glassjaw for me. He's even going to see them for his birthday for me. How fucking sweet is that? It's just so sad that he lives all the way across the country. It's not fair. The internet is a curse and a gift in itsself. I think sometimes he gets weirded out when we talk about our feelings. I can completely understand. I get that way too. We both know we can't be together. We can't date eachother online. We're both so sick of failing miserably at relationships and meaningless sex. It's the same for both of us. No one around us is any where near what we need and we can't pull it together to be with eachother but not be there for eachother. Not be there to sleep next to. Gawd how I want to hold him. I don't even want to think about it. It's somewhat depressing. I wish he were online right now. I miss him again. I always do. Anyways, daddy woke up so I went to bed. It was getting late anyways. To tell you how drunk I was, when I woke up my light was still on and I've never been able to sleep in anything but complete darkness. That's pretty bad then, eh?

Today I woke up late, as I said with my light on. I turned it off and just went back to bed. I felt like shit. I was so sore. I had a headache and was just so groggy. I got online and messed around for a bit. It was cold today. Only 40. Quite a change from the 85 degree weather we've been having. Mom made taco's for dinner at my request. When we were done eating, Aime and Jason came over to talk about the other house. Jason was wondering what to do about the water damage in the master bedroom. My dad didn't really want to talk. He never does. He's such a bitch sometimes. I got dressed and we went over to the house to see if the new keys worked. We talked about things. They've really got it cleaned up except for all the crap we've yet to go through. We smoked a couple bowls and looked at old pictures. Then I came home and watched Simpsons. Clip show. Hah. The song at the end was the best. From then on I've been watching tv. Mostly Law & Order and writing all this out. I'm fairly tired and I keep thinking that I haven't finished my mom's stupid flamingos. I talked to John today. He's been thinking about coming with me and Kalin to Glassjaw. It'd be nice since I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. But as for now I'm going to wait a bit longer and see if Chris comes on. I hope he does. I need him right now. I just need someone who cares about me. Or maybe I'll just go to bed and dream that someone does.

I'm Missy Scott and that's news to me

No Tv & No Beer Make Me Go Something Something. Go Crazy? Don't Mind If I Do!

2002-04-19T17:52:37Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

Are you scared of me now?

Bathtub Poetry and Other Such Ramblings

2002-04-19T09:14:01Z

Why is it that whenever I take a bath I form lines of poetry but whenever I step out they're lost to me. I'll remember bits and pieces. A phrase here. A line there. But not the whole thing so when I get out and try to write it down the new things I come up with to match the other ultimatly sucks. It annoys the hell out of me. I guess I just need to bring a tape recorder or a notebook into the tub with me. Hah. But then where would I read American Psycho? I'm on page 291 now. Only 108 more pages to go! Whoo Hoo. The thing I don't understand is other people that have read it. They always say oh it was so gory. Oh it was so disgusting. I had to put it down. Blah blah blah. It's just so insane. I don't see it. The only thing I found horrorfying is Patrick's first kill. That's only cuz I have an eye thing. If I didn't it wouldn't have bothered me. I think the thing I find most disturbing is the fact that the chapters where Patrick coerses girls to have sex with eachother and then kills them turns me on. Is it right that I find that fucking Bethany's throat after he's cut her tongue out erotic? I think so. Maybe it's just me that's disturbed.

Reese Chris and I are going to see Garbage on 4-20 day. I've been looking forward to this but also dreading it. I haven't seen them in years. This is not a good thing becuz they are so awesome live. So why dread it you ask? Last time Reese and I saw Garbage she left me there. I couldn't find her the entire concert. I sat with her sister the whole time. Since it will only be three of us going this time I don't want to be lost again...or maybe I do. I always have more fun at concerts off by myself. The other thing that makes me nervous is that Chris is coming. I've never been to a concert with him. I just hope he acts different. I miss the way he was when we were 16. Now he's just sooo quiet. Since I'm driving I have this idea that they're going to want to sit in the back together. I will not be their fucking chaueffer. Yea they're paying for gas and parking but sure as fuck ain't gonna stand for it. I don't understand how you can be with someone for almost 2 years and still be so attached at the hip. At least I think they finally stopped fucking in cars. I mean after so long thats just raunchy. They're 21 years old. Get over it already. Maybe some people just never grow out of it.

So I remember that my poem was about Robbie Cakes. Well not really about him, but he made me think of it. I saw him today. Rob, Jason, & I were at my old house...which is now Jason and Aime's house...trying to start working on it. I sat there and memories would just flood. I'd look at the pine tree and see my old dog Budha laying under it. Stare at the empty lawn long enough and I could see Jessie on a lawn chair trying to get a tan. All the paths we made in the woods are grown over now but I could still imagine walking down them. Sneaking through the closet to my moms room at night so I could watch 90210. I went through my old toy box and remembered all the times Reese and I played 'Happy Cave' in our sheet fort in the living room. The house is just trashed now. Raccoons live in it. One of them barked at Rob. It was funny. Jason says he's bringing the .22 tomorrow. Jessie's room is infested with those lady bug looking beetles. Every things so fun already and we've barely begun. I started going through everything. I got all my porcelin dolls and knick knacks and brought them home. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them. I used to collect the things and it'd be kinda sad to sell them. I know we're gonna have a garage sale but it was part of me. Of little me though. Do I really want to let go? I dunno. The thing that gets to me though is that I'll go through something and my extended family will say oh I want that. Some shit I don't care about but it's like this was our life? Don't you care? It makes me think that if I die will my friends and family stand around going oh I want this and this and this and that's mine and oh I've always wanted one of those! It so irks me!

I miss my Kissyfer. I didn't get to talk to him before he went to work today. Since I'm a jobless bitch my net standings have grown...and I've gotten used to it. I look forward to talking to Chris every damn day. He's practically the reason I even come online anymore. I couldn't tell you what I'd do with out him. So I read his diary entries to fill the void of not getting to actually talk to him. How pathetic is that? I talked to Andy last night. I emmensely enjoy talking to Andy. It's a rare occasion when I actually do so. We always seem to go for awhile with out talking and then when I least expect it, there he is. Sometimes we talk about nothing. We could talk about everything. It wouldn't matter. Everytime I go away feeling just filled up. I'm satisfied with even a minute of his time. I don't understand it. Last night he was talking about other girls though. I felt that jealous ping come on. It makes me feel bad. I don't really want to hear about in psych class that won't give you the time of day but is just so incredible. I want to be the incredible one. I want the attention. I know its wrong but I can't help it sometimes. This happens with Chris too. Even though he's my best friend I love him to death. I just don't know if that love is for more than a friend. At times I think it is. I get so jealous when he talks about other girls. I don't understand it. I adore Andy but there's always Chris. I don't know if it's because he is my best friend or that I've known him longer or what's going on. All I know is that when I picture me and Chris I see us laying on a bed, my arm wrapped around him, my head on his chest. This huge smile on my face. So content. And I just know that everything is perfect and he'll love me forever. With Andy I can't see that...but then I haven't really thought that hard. But would I let something like this come between me and Chris? I don't even know how I really feel. My rules prohibit him from being anything more than my best friend...but then they are my rules and rules are made to be broken. Heh. I don't know why I beat myself up over this. It will never happen with either of them.

I need to get ahold of Doug. He promised me 30 dollars when he got paid and that was a week ago. He should have money by now and I sure as fuck need it. I need to buy my Glassjaw ticket. I have to go see Glassjaw. I need to see Daryl belt into the mic. Sure Ive seen them before but I'd never heard them then. It's a different situation now. It's not often that I find a band like them that make me feel. I want to be there. Front and center. Singing along. I hope they do all my fav songs. If not at the least When One Eight Becomes Two Zero's and Her Middle Name Was Boom. I need those. My breakup and love songs. heh. I saw the new 311 video the other day. It's for Amber which is a great fucking song...the thing I didn't understand is that there were girls in the video. They never had girls in the videos before. I don't know if they're trying something new but I like 311 with out looking at girls. I dunno. They still had the dogs there though. Hell yea.

I must admit to a sort of lie I've been spreading about. I tell everyone I've quit smoking. This isn't EXACTLY true. At night like this I get this ungawdly nicotine fits. I just need one so bad. I find myself snagging one or two off my dad at times. I can't understand it. Why do I need a nightly fix? Im fine through out the day. Why one cigarette? Just one. You think it would be easy but no! I've got myself on a one a day habit. It's quite unnerving. I want some painkillers. I've been craving them. There's no more in my grandpa's room. I've taken them all. There might be some in my parents room. I know my mom hid some from me...and she never throws away anything. I'll search tomorrow. That demerol had to go somewhere damn it. I went grocery shopping for mother today. It was so weird. I was all nervous. I'd never been shopping by myself before. Not full out. Buggy, list, and all. It made me feel like such a big girl. I guess I'm all grown up now.

So I can't have sex for 10 more days. It's not like I'd have sex but I still don't like the restriction. I've had this thought. It's quite an evil one. Since tomorrow's Friday and all I've thought of stopping at Matt's when it gets dark. I'd drink a quantity of beer. The usual thing. Mingle with people. Find some random guy and make out with him. Get him all hot and bothered. Tease him to hell...and just when he's aching...remember that you can't have sex for 9 more days cuz of this medication you took. It's so wrong. So cruel...but it sounds like ever so much fun. I don't know if I can pass up the oppertunity. I at least want to go somewhere. For the past 2 weekends I've been in my house. That's not kewl man. I need the hell out of here. I need my boys. I need beer. Hell yea. Sounds like a plan.

So I actually got my mind together and came up with some other lines to go along with the ones I remembered from my bath. I got poems out of them but as I said before they ultimatly suck. Enjoy!

Anyone At All

drawn out greetings
that awkward stare
a moment of silence
we hinder here
laugh and converse
the thought comes to mind
of friends that were lovers
and what we left behind
I don't like how she treats you
but I say nothing at all
it's none of my business
your lips touch hers now
I remember that kiss
but she's the one that lays beside you
I haven't the right to complain
could it be jealousy
after all this time
or are my thoughts genuine
seeing you creates a cloud of confusion
i used to love your smile
now I find it so sad
your pleasure is for her now
that smile was once for me
I laugh at myself
this is lunicy
I don't think I want you
I know I don't want to be with you again
the only reason I can come up with
is this curse of being lonely.

Teeter

searching for something I cannot see
there is nothing here but you
oggling the broken shell that is me
pick me up and hold me close
kiss my lips
caress my cheek
fake your concern
listening intently for anything
I could scream in your ear
still you would not hear me
What am I?
Your special toy
Just your little whore
Keep a secret
I'll give you a taste
The foul stench of failure
as you sneak away
I can't keep you
I can't explain it
I inject myself into this
cursing my mentality
beating it into me
love me a minute
I'm so gracious
a night a week
I call you my own
that is my delusion
I am the one in your grasp
pinned under your claws
I ache for release
but I always give in
I only scream louder and louder
and still you will not hear

For A Good Cry Call...

2002-04-16T00:50:06Z

I just got done watching the movie Life As A House. I've never cried so much. And I thought Beaches was bad. The fact that I was on pain killers why watching this movie makes me think. Would I have sobbed more so if I hadn't take them? I took them for no good reason other than to take them. I had a slight headache but what does that matter? Hayden Christenson said in the movie that he took pain killers becuz he liked the feeling of not feeling. I liked that. I understood it. I can relate. The movie was very good. Very touching. Well written characters. A bit fucked up. All elements to a good movie. It made me think. I wonder what I will have to look back on. I wonder if that is what made me cry. When I look back on my young adult years...while I was still growing into myself...what do I have to be proud of? Being good at sucking cock? Getting drunk and stoned? Being able to spout off useless crap about cartoons? There's so many things in movies that make me cry. Most of it is seeing what I don't have. I have no one to hold in my arms. I have no great love to look back upon and reminice. No one gives a damn. But I give a damn. I want these things. I want to be worth something. I want to touch someone. I want to make them feel. I want to be part of who they are. I suppose I should be writing. I haven't written in ages. It's hard now. No muse to inspire. I hope the gift hasn't left me. I want some to actually read my book and tell me what they think. No one reads it. Not really. They would see that it's me. They would see me. That's all I ever really wanted. For someone to put forth the fucking effort. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. I wonder how those people deal with being invisible

Did You Know I'm Totally Insane?

2002-03-27T06:09:53Z

Have you ever wished you were a serial killer? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Now a lot of people don't know the difference between mass murder and serial killing. Most people don't think there even is a difference. How horrible is that? Serial killing takes precision, a pattern, and a undetermined about of mental disablity. Mass murder is just killing a bunch of random people for the hell of it. Fun...but without the flair. Blood on the sidewalk inching its way to covering your surroundings. The empty eyes of a cooling corpse. A mysterious bullet hole. Carving designs in flesh. The way the flame dances as it burns a person alive. The pleading look to do something to stop this. The gasp of horror. The scream as it fades away into silence. Not many people see the beauty in a death. Pain can be beautiful...beauty can mean pain. I don't believe this is every killers motive. Most do it for gain, sexual excitement, or simply being psychotic. I'd just like to capture the look. The essence of the killing. The soul of it all. I don't think I could ever kill another human being. I just like to imagine it all. The only way I kill people is encorperating them into stories and giving them a good death sentence. The thing about serial killing is that you're inexplicably going to get caught. This is a bad thing. Your pattern emerges and with so little privacy and the amount of technology today it's a hard thing not to wind up dead yourself. My suggestion...if you're not killing out of necessity, don't do so. Not unless you know how to commit the perfect murder. :)

Now it's been said that the perfect murder is one made to look like an accident. That's not always easy. Trace evidence left behind and you're fucked. Even pushing an empty syringe into someone's vein (which causes a heart attack) leaves a needle mark that can possibly be found. So if you can't percieve a way to kill someone without leaving any evidence...I suggest being thorough as possible in cleaning up. You would also need an unbreakable alliby. That's not easy to do either. Murder comes with great hassle. You have to be skilled. You have to have a great amount of patience. Lazy people cannot be murderers. This is why I will never kill people. haha.

I like to fantasize about my own murder. Not that I want to be killed. I don't dream up ways for me to be killed and all that. I fantasize about the police trying to solve my murder. I see them interviewing grief stricken relatives and friends. Sad to say I really don't think they'd be all so grief stricken...maybe for a whole fucking day. But anyway, I imagine the police prying into my life. Trying to figure out what I've done with my life. Find any suspects. I wonder what my friends would say about me. Especially the guys over at Matt's house.

Let's talk about Matt's house for a minute. Now Friday we ended up back there. Matt went straight to bed becuz he had to work in the morning. That left me alone with Mike. Ugh. Thankfully, Tasko was still awake. I sat with him for awhile and talked. Unfortunatly, I got left alone with Mike again. He's so annoying. He always has to try something. I tell him I don't want to and he keeps trying. He's a persistant fuck. So I got up and left and went in the living room. Tasko was there on the couch. I laid down on the love seat. Mike came in and starting talking. Telling me to take him to taco bell and all this crap. He went through Matt's fridge trying to find anything. He kept talking to us. I got up and sat next to Dave. I told Mike to leave us alone so we could get it on...just to get him to go away. He actually did. I started picking on Dave, telling him I'm taller and I should get to sleep on the couch. I play fought with him trying to get him off the couch. Then I kissed him. He was a bit surprised. He asked if I was drunk. I told him I wasn't...which I wasn't. But I got back up and laid down on the love seat again. Just when I was about to fall asleep, he stole my pillow. We started fighting again. We fell on the floor and then started making out like mad. After awhile, I had no shirt on and we were back on the couch. Dave sat up then and said we shouldn't be doing this there. I agreed with him. Anyone could walk past. I don't know if he decided he didn't want me or if he was really worried. I'm not even sure why I kissed. I know I like Dave. He's fun to talk to. He's a good guy. He's the Taskforce. I just don't know if it was because of the moment or because he was there or if I really like him. I can't be just because he was there. If that were true wouldn't I have just stayed with Mike? I'd like to know how Tasko feels about the situation but I don't know how to go about talking to people about these things. Oh well. It's over now I suppose.

And then there was Saturday night. Carrie and Bill came down for the weekend. I tried my hardest to get weed for them. When I couldn't pull it off the whined at me a lot. I didn't really appreciate that. We went out to eat and out to the bar. I tried to show them a good time but no matter what they seemed so down. That night Bill slept in my bed with me and Carrie slept on the couch as always. I actually wanted to sleep. Now with me, to sleep I have to have certain elements. No clothes (but I can sleep with them, just not comfortably), silence, and perfect darkness. I had none of these things. After awhile, Bill started tickeling me. I despise being tickeled. Jessie used to do it all the time and I eventually started hitting and kicking her because of it. I told Bill to stop. He had one spot he kept going for. Right below my hip bone. I was getting pissed off. I did what I could not to hit him over it. I held down his arms but he still kept trying. I tried to take the remote so I could turn the damn tv off and actually sleep. I tickeled him back to see how he liked having it done to him but apparently it doesn't annoy him as it does me. At one point I got in his face and told him to quit it....to go to bed...something to that effect. Apparently that makes him mad so I kept doing it. I had to have some form of revenge whilest still trying to be a good hostess. Then I tried to get him to go to sleep with the finger trick. It works on me but not on him. I had no luck. He kept tickling me. I had to concentrate on anything to turn off the tickle sensation. I finally got the remote and turned the tv off with out him whimpering and got some sleep. Carrie and Bill slept all damn day. I dunno it just seems kinda rude to come for a visit and spend the whole time bitching, moaning, sleeping, and annoying the hostess. I let it go. They went home. Yesterday I got a call from Carrie. She was some what crying and accused me of trying to get with Bill. Apparently, he had told her I tried to kiss him! I did no such fucking thing! I wouldn't do that to Carrie. I don't find Bill all that appealing. Especially if he's so egotistical that he thought a pissed off pretending to be happy me wanted him. I wanted to spend the weekend with Andy. I don't get want I want though. I get shit on by people who should fucking know better. I can't really blame Carrie. The boy has got her so manipulated she doesn't know what's going on. Still it disturbs me how a simple thing as a male can come between people. I wonder if she believed me. I don't rightly know. I don't know if I care. After all the shit she's pulled with me, if she doesn't forgive me, she's nothing but a hypocrit. Friends like that, no one needs. Maybe that's why I trust no one.

I've been getting in lots of fights with my mother lately. She has trouble letting me live my life the way I want to. Sure I lie to her about things...such as why I got fired from Phar-mor...but who the hell wants to tell their parents that? So we've got into fights about that becuz I won't go along with what she thinks is right. What she doesn't know is that I can't. Then we get into fights about my paintings. She doesn't want that filth in her house. What she sees as grotesque, I find exquisit. A simple difference of opinion but she would despise me for it. Then she tells me she hates me and wants me out of the house over gauging my ears! Only down to a 14 which is the same thing in my septum. It's not that big at all. I swear she's going mad. I can't understand her reasoning behind anything. I sometimes think that she's worried with the things I do and the way I look I'll never get a man and get the hell out of here. I'm not positive on that...but it's a good assumption. But then I wouldn't want anyone to be with me over my looks anyway. Oh well. I think I'll quit rambling for the night. I need to finish filling out applications and turn them in tomorrow. I need a job. I need to get out of here. I need a lot of things...but first things first. One step at a time.

Dizamn

2002-01-26T17:44:43Z

I haven't fucking wrote in forever. Guess some things you tend to forget about. I'll fill in blanks later but there are a few things I wanna state first.
I'm such a fucking pimp and I love it! hahaha.
Last night was Randall's birthday...where I didn't get to wish him a happy one in person, as I would've liked to...I did a straight shot of Jack for him. I can still taste it now. eeeeewwww.
I actually wanna paint. I don't know what's up with that but I find it intriguing. Also that I want to paint gruesome death scenes and a decomposing female that was a necrophiliacs dream.
Have I gone insane? My answer...hell no. I've been insane. Where the fuck have been? :)

Mmmm Forbidden Frozen Cookie

2001-12-21T05:46:39Z

Yea so me and Dougie went to Perkins tonight. Dougie is the drummer for Ligeia or however you spell it anyways. He's been going still crazy since he got fired from Hot Pocket and got his license suspended. So he called me up and was like you wanna go to Perkins? I wasn't even dressed but I got ready and picked him up. We got there about 9 and got coffee, of course, and some chicken spanish word I can't spell. Anyways so me and Doug are there chilling. Did I mention Doug is fucking gorgeous for a lil kid? It's just horrible. We're a lot alike though. He's my new buddy even though I just met him Sunday. He's such a pimp too. He even got a phone number while paying the bill. hah. Anyways me and Doug were sharing stories. His friend came and sat in the booth next to us. His name was Jeff and his girls name was Renee. We shared stories with them too. Anyways so were sitting there and who do I see walk in over to a table across the room? English. yeah. I'm pretty sure he knew I was there. I was just like oh fuck. Doug knew what was up. We got this lil vibe going on. I have this feeling that English was talking about me to his friends. And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. If they want to play into the stupid Warren bullshit drama that goes on, that's them. I don't care. It's pathetic that they go on with this shit. Like Erin messaged me the other day. Now I have no beef with Erin what so ever. But she tells me that she heard that I was telling people that I was still fucking both Adam English and Kudrich. I just laughed. I mean what the fuck? I never said a damn thing about either of them. And she tells me that Jeff the bartender was the one who said it. I never even told him I fucked either of them. So I don't know where this comes from. It pisses me off a bit though cuz I thought Jeff was my buddy. I don't know if this is Kudrich's bullshit or not. I know I never said that though. Why would I? I'm gonna go ask him questions tomorrow if I'm not chilling with my lil kids. Maybe it seems kinda pathetic for me to have underage teenagers as my friends but I don't fucking see it that way. At least they're honest. At least they have fucking fun. Me and Doug closed out the night fucking wired. We were pretty much there past 11:30. We must've laughed the whole time. I learned all about his crazy family. His mom's a pothead. His dad's a pothead and had an acid flash back when they were out to breakfast one time. I guess the whole place was staring at them. That's gotta be fucked up. Oh and his dad and step-mom are swingers. Another reason he had to get out of the house. His parent's swinger friends were there. That poor poor boy. At least my parents are fucked up but not that bad. I mean, my mom hides all her problems and throws everything into the bible and crap like that. And my dad? He's a perverted prick. As long as they keep me out of it I'm ok. But I can understand why Doug and I have a certain kinship. So we left to get him home by his midnight curfew. I didn't steal the window clings this time. For once. hah. Though Jeff and Renee walked out with out paying. Evil lil bastards. Doug's parents swinger friends where gone when he got home. He was very releaved. He asked me to come to practice Saturday morning. I have to work at 3:30 but I just might. I haven't really got to hear his band with them all being there. I haven't even met Avi yet. I always just hear like half of them fucking around. Just like Mitch's band. Oh yea. I left Mitch at the mall Sunday cuz he pissed me off. Hah. He wasn't too happy about it...though everyone else found it amusing. I'm such a bitch. I don't think Explicit's found my lil prank on them yet. That sux. I want them too. Oh well. It doesn't really matter. But as I have worked all fucking week including the 7 hours I put in today when it was supposed to be my day off, I'm going to bed.

The Irony Life Presents Us With -aka- You're Breaking My Balls, Gary

2001-12-12T09:45:34Z

So like I've done stuff lately but I haven't been writing at all. That's pretty sad when all I ever did was write. Or maybe it's not. It could possibly mean I have a life now. Or it could mean I'm losing my gift of words. Either way it's scary. So let's fill in some blanks. I've got over the wishing I was dead thing for the time being. We'll see how that continues. I think I'm going to need a calendar to fill in the missing days. There will be brief descriptions. Cuz I don't remember shit yo. hah.

Saturday Nov. 24th - Was depressed. Decided to go see Jeff. Everyone was there. Couldn't even talk to him. Drank a single beer. Left with out saying goodbye. Went to find Money. Needed a friend. His light wasn't on. I didn't stop. Found out later he was out with Jess. Watched tv the rest of the night.

Sunday Nov. 25th - I think I had to work this day. 8 hour day from hell of quadruple coupons. Excruiating annoyance. Seriously. It was just fucking stupid. The kewl thing was I got to work with Sarah. We got yelled at for talking for 2 seconds at one point though. Stupid fucking co-workers. The FECS do whatever they want and yet we get shit on for talking...how do they know she's not asking me a question about work? It's bull shit, I'm telling you.

Monday Nov. 26th - I think this is the day I found out Thursday was playing at the Agora. It's quite possible I hung out with Mitch this day but I'm not sure. Eh.

Tuesday Nov. 27th - Ok. I pretty damn sure I remember this day. Reese called me in the morning. The night before, like a dumbass, she had run over the curb at the mall and got 2 flat tires. She had to get a tow truck and they took her car in. Now she needed someone to take her to pick it up. I had made plans with my mom to go get my oil changed. This changed cuz I figured I'd just drag Reese along. So I picked her up. It'd been forever since I had to go pick her up. I took her to get her car. From there we went back to my house to drop it off. She had to have it later for when she left to see Chris. Then she got in my car and we went to get my oil changed. There was a lot of people there. We walked over to Giant Eagle and walked around. We didn't buy anything. It was pretty pointless. Most everyone had left the waiting room when we got back. We talked to the chick that worked there. She gave us candy canes. That was nice. My car was done. We left. I don't remember the middle but I think we went and got popcorn chicken for dinner. Yea...cuz she still owes me fucking threefiddy. I should collect too cuz I'm broke as a joke at the mo. hmm. moving on.

Wednesday Nov. 28th - Anna Runs band practice day. I went. I think I went anyways. Yea I did. I played with Moosey, who's real name is Lucy. I renamed her though. I love that dog. I would steal her if I was allowed. I talked to Grace about the Thursday show. I had no one to go with. She was going with a bunch of friends in a limo. I thought that was hilarious...pointless and hilarious. Anyways, Mitch got back together with Holly. I remember that. I took him home. I went home and that was that.

Thursday Nov. 29th - I was up early for some reason. Kalin came on. I asked him if he wanted to go to see Thursday with me. He wanted to but had no money. I told him I'd pay. He said he'd ask his mom when she got home at 4. Money and I decided to go out. I told him I'd buy him food. Why must I bribe my friends? I have no clue. Anyways we were on the quest for the new Alternative Press with MSI in it. We went to Borders. They didn't have it. They didn't even have the old one. Fuckers. We messed around in there for a bit. We went to the mall. We went to Walden Books. They had the old one. Fuckers. I bought my ticket to Thursday. I was going with or with out Kalin. We decided to go eat then. We went to Ponderosa. We ate. Some fat old lady stole our ashtray. Anways, we ate. We left. He was going to come over my house but on the way he decided he was too tired. Fucker. So I took him home. I still had time before I had to call Kalin. I killed time somehow. I called Kalin. His mom wasn't home yet. Doug was there. Then Doug left. Mike was there. Then Mike went to school. Kalin's mom came home and he told me to call him back in 10. I did. He was allowed to go. On my way to his house I bought his ticket. I always buy tickets first. I'm anal about that. It's a good thing cuz when we got to the show, it was sold out. Ha ha. I rule. We found Grace there. Talked to her a bit. Thursday was opening...which sucked cuz I had no idea who the other bands were. They were awesome though we couldn't hear Geoff all too well. It's always like that at the Agora. They need new sound guys. After that Kalin and I fucked around in the lobby for awhile. Thursday never came out which sucked. The other bands sucked so we decided to get going. On the way home, I wasn't paying attention and went the wrong way. That sucked. I got us lost. We ended up in Ravenna and I finally found my way home. Luck was with us. I kinda pissed Kalin off but he couldn't really bitch cuz I paid for him to see one of his fav bands. So that was that day.

Friday Nov. 30th - I was going to see Jeff but I got out of work too late. I hung out with Aime. Mandy was supposed to come too but she ended up locking her keys in the car. We smoked weed. We watched Shrek. I didn't really like it. That's about it.

Saturday Dec. 1st - I can not recollect for the life of me what I did on this day. Odd. hah. Maybe that's the day I went and actually found the AP with MSI in it. It might be. Hmm. Oh well.

Sunday Dec. 2nd - Anna Runs band practice. Off day. I went over Grace's. I think I picked up Mitch for this one. I don't remember. Anyways Steve the new guy decided he didn't want to come. We went and got him anyways. They practiced for a bit. I talked on Grace's computer for the meantime. I took everyone home. Mitch came to the conclusion that Steve didn't really want to be in the band.

Monday Dec. 3rd - I think I slept most of this day...but I woke up to watch Justice League and Crossing Jordan...but then Crossing Jordan wasn't on. Fuckers. That's about it.

Tuesday Dec. 4th - Ligiea band practice. Mitch called me up. Asked me to go to Grace's and get his stuff. I figured she was coming along but I was mistaken. I got all his stuff then picked him up. We then went to John's house. The only reason Mitch found John's house was cuz Josh's van was in the drive way. When we got there everyone was leaving. Doug had some Elvira looking chick with him he had to take home. So Kalin, John, and Mitch played around. I pretty much sat there looking through anything interesting I could find in John's basement. And I located the VERY interesting. An old box of childhood pictures. I seriously laughed my ass off. I found every embarassing picture of John that I could and took it out of the pile for later viewing. Never have I seen a boy play dress up as much as he. Superman, ninja turtle, batman, pirate, indian, etc. The boy had it all. I showed them to John and Mitch and we all laughed so hard our sides hurt. I cried. We told John goodbye and I took Mitch home. And that was Tuesday.

Wednesday Dec. 5th - Umm. I know I hung out with Money. We did something I don't remember what and then we decided we were going to go to the movies. When we got there though he decided he didn't want to go. Fucker. hah. So I took him all the way back home. He said we could watch a movie there. He lied. He wanted to go to bed. So I borrowed 5 of his dvds and went home. :)

Thursday Dec. 6th - I think this is the day I hung out with Reese again. I'm pretty sure it is. We didn't really do anything special. Yea. That's about it.

Friday Dec. 7th - And this is where it gets interesting. Ok so I totally planned on going to see Jeff since the last time I saw him I just walked out and hadn't been back or apologized for it either. Of course Dave asks me to work over. It's just a given. I have plans and they want me to work over. I did anyways. I stayed an hour and a half extra. I said fuck it. I could still go. So I went home and got ready. By the time I got there it was like 9:30...quite a bit late than normal. I walked in and there was a bunch of people there. I saw Adam and sat next to him. We talked for a bit...and then I recognized the other people. I walked over to J. Waldeck and gave him a huge hug. We talked for a bit. Jay Dorsey was there too. I talked to him. I drank. We all drank. The guys went out to bowl. It was funny. J. ended up winning against Patrick (who reminds me of Patrick Star from SpongeBob) and this other guy I only knew as Jean Claude. That was his bowling name. J.'s was Spiderman. Very fitting for my comic book freak. Hah. They were all hitting on me. It was crazy. Opie said this line to me. It was just sad. He said, "It's hard to believe Helen of Troy was reincarnated and born in Warren." What a fucking geek. Jay wouldn't lay off me. He made me promise to go to Kahunaville. I never barhopped but I decided to for once. I was already pretty drunk and I still went. I got there. Patrick bought me a beer. And who do I see all over J.? Jamie Waltermire. I hadn't seen that girl since LaBrae Highschool. She was fucking sloshed. She kept telling me my friend was hot and she wanted to fuck him. I saw some other people I knew. And my ex boyfriend from 9th grade was a bar tender there. ICK! So everyone decided they were going to Niki's to see J.'s girl friend who bar tends there. I was going to go home. I'd already had like 8 beers. Patrick told me I was going with them though and order me into his car. So I went. J. bought me a beer there. There was a lot of people there. I talked to some girl for the longest time. She was J.'s girl friend's best friend. Jeff showed up. He was the only one that wasn't sloshed. I think I was a dick to him. Jay wouldn't leave me alone. I was soooo drunk. I think I kissed him but I'm pretty damn sure it was just on the cheek. He made me give him my number b4 Patrick took me back to my car. I don't even know if I gave it to him right. I don't know how I made it home. I prolly shouldn't have been driving. I did make it home though. I tried to talk online for a bit. I couldn't really type. I just went to bed. It was fun though.

Saturday Dec. 8th - This is a day for the history books. If the previous night wasn't enough for me...this was one to top it. Carrie woke me up at 10 with a phone call. She said she couldn't come down. I was ok with it. I pretty much expected it. Money had left a message on my cell phone. I called him back. He already wanted me to pick him up. I told him I'd get there eventually. I talked online for a bit and then started getting ready. I already knew how I wanted to do my hair. It took forever but I got it in big spikes. Money called me again just as I was to walk out the door. I told him I was on my way and I left. I picked him up around 1:30/2. I wanted to kill time till 5 when we were going to see Jeff. I wanted to apologize for being an ass to him the night before. I went to the mall. It was waaaay to crowded. We decided against it. I wanted my tickets. So we went to Giant Eagle. I got our tickets. Jodi was cashier. I had saw her the night before at Kahunaville. I thought that was humerous. She barely remembered seeing me too. K. So we went back to my house. We watched cartoons. SpongeBob and Fairly Odd Parents. Money had never seen them before. He thought they were hilarious. Uh oh. I've corrupted another. We had no money to eat so we ate bagels at my house. Yea I suck. After that we went and got ciggys. Dara said she wished she could come just not to be at work. We went to see Jeff. He had just gotten there. We stayed about an hour. He made me an ameretto sour. He's such a sweetie. He and Money got along well. Jeff told me about 2 movies I should see. I still haven't done so. I prolly should. Oh well. I'm brizoke now. Anyways we said our goodbyes to Jeff and left for Cleveland. On I-71 we got stuck in traffic. That sucked. It seemed we would be late. We got out of it 10 minutes before 8. We thought we were in the clear. So we drive up Prospect. We get to East 21st and there isn't a parking space in sight. We drove around for what seemed like forever. We saw one place that was selling spaces for 20 bucks. Fuck that. That's ludicris. We ended up finding a spot for free. It was a bit of walking but for free we didn't give a shit. Back down on East 21st, they still hadn't opened the doors. That sucked. We waited out in the cold for awhile. They finally let us in. It was after 8. I don't think the first band came on though till around 9:30. It was a slow night. Money and I talked to some people but we mostly just sat there. The first band sucked hard core. I said that me singing Mary Had A Little Lamb would be better than that crap. Money agreed that the only thing worse would be Scary Sarah doing a strip show while singing Creed. The second band didn't come on for a long time either. I don't know what the hell time it was. They came on though and we were blown away. Retard O Bot 2000. They're very MSI-esque. I loved them. They were just hilarious. They completly lightened up the mood. I told Money I had to meet those guys. They finished and it took Genitorturers forever and a day to come on. We stood there up front waiting. We thought they decided to come on at midnight but it kept getting later. Finally we had enough and went to talk to Retard O Bot. As soon as we did, they came on. I didn't care. I talked to Johnny Robot, who's real name is Joe, through most of the show. Money just had his eyes fixated on Jen. Joe signed my bag. Peter Pepper, the other singer signed my bag too. His name is actually Pete. After awhile the third fucking robot came over. His name is Tim. I asked him to sign my bag. He did...and then I read it. It read "You should make out with me :)" I turned beet red. He just smiled. We finished watching the show. Tim made me stand on the stool for one part so I wouldn't miss the one preformer pissing on the bible, rubbing it in some guys face, and then ripping out pages and throwing them to the crowd. After the Genitorturers finished we waited for them to come out. Tim was talking to other girls. I pulled him over and asked if he was still trying to get someone to make out with him. He said no...so I kissed him. He said thank you. We talked for a bit more. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs. I told Money I'd be right back. I went. We made out on the couch. Pete came in and said Tim was needed downstairs. We went back down. Tim found out that Pete was wrong and they weren't loading yet. By the way...they are brotheres. I forgot about that part. He asked me to come back up. I said I would. I told Money I'd be back again but he got pissed off and walked outside. Tim was like "oh shit is that your boyfriend?" I told him hell no but I had to get him. While I was talking to Tim, Evil D, the bassist and Gen's husband walked up. I had him sign my bag. I told Tim I'd be back and got Money. He told me he just watched someone throw up with Evil D. He wasn't really pissed. He came back inside and I had the rest of the Genitorturers sign my bag. Joe gave me a Retard O Bot sampler cd. Tim kept picking on my while I was. He told Angel I wanted to make out with him. Angel's a fucking sexy bitch but I have no idea why Tim said that when it was him I was making out with. Money was waiting to talk to Gen so I went back upstairs with Tim. Roadies walked in this time. The left quickly. I won't say what happened...but I will say I didn't fuck him. He gave me a water and I told him goodbye. I found Money and we left. He kept teasing me about leaving him alone but I knew he wasn't pissed. I paid for his ticket. I'm a nice person. Hah.

Sunday Dec. 9th - I didn't do a damn thing. Jen called me for work around 2:30 but said to nevermind it since I was still sleeping. I thought that was funny. I think I edited my webpage most of the night. Yea that was about it.

Monday Dec. 10th - I woke up. The girls were here. Jessie came to get them but Natalie wanted to stay. I told Jessie I'd bring her home later so she stayed. We watched cartoons. I took her home. On the way back to my house my cell phone rang. It was Trish. She wanted me to go to work. I did. I had nothing better to do. That was pretty much it for that day.

Tuesday Dec. 11th - Today! Finally. Ok I slept in. I didn't really do anything for awhile. Mitch imed me from Grace's house. Said he was hanging out with her and Josh from Ligiea and asked me to come over. I did. When I got there we left. We were going to John's house and then going to Perkins. Grace rode with me and Mitch rode with Josh. The boy's car girls car type of thing. We went to John's. He decided to come with us to Perkins. So we all went. It was fun. We didn't talk about anything really. We stayed there for awhile. We went back to Grace's. We fucked around with the band equipment. Then Grace's parents came home. I've never seen John look so white. He told me why later when I took him home. It seems that the other week his parents were away and he had Grace come over. Grace's and John's dad's work together. Grace's dad found out she was there with out supervision. Hah. Ah to be teenagers again. Which brings me to irony. When I was there age, one of my good friends was older. Liz. We always hung out with her. Now that I'm older...most of my friends are still in high school. Didn't figure it would be that way but you know what? I like it this way. There's such an honesty with them. Even though they could take advantage cuz I can buy alcohol, they like me for me. It's a good feeling.

And now you're caught up.

And So The Story Goes

2001-11-25T01:21:52Z

All I wanted was for everything to be back like it used to be. I was happy then. Going out to the local shows. Hanging out with the guys and band bitches. Having fun. And so I tried. I went to the show. I went to the party. And that's where every thing goes bad. Against my better judgment, I fuck things up. Was it becuz my mind was not all there from being not quite sober? No, I don't think so. Is it becuz I'd do anything just to feel wanted...to feel the affection I crave? To be touched and held and kissed and not feel so fucking worthless. But it comes back. Nothing keeps it down. It comes with full force and tears me apart. I have no one to blame for it but myself. Being alone for 3 years has made me this way. Always searching...always trying. Have to find someone so I can feel loved if only for a moment. But it's only my feeling. It's just a delusion. I realize this...And then I break down all over again. And the search continues. I wish I were dead. I don't know if I can take it anymore. The severe emotional torture I create for myself drives me insane. I don't know what to do anymore. I give up. I want out but it's not going to happen. I feel like staying in my bed forever and wasting away. Somehow I think no one would notice. Maybe they would...but would they care? Would they try to help? Or would they just look on with pity? Does it even matter?

Echo Adventures Featuring Vernon Hardapple

2001-11-17T08:19:22Z

Whoo Hoo. Do I have a story to tell. Ok we'll start with the fact that I worked 8 hours on 4 hours of sleep last yesterday. I was really tired so I went to bed at 9 and taped my shows for later viewing. I woke up around 4. I got online for a bit, and went back to bed at 6. I then woke up again at 3 motherfucking pm. All and all I slept for 16 hours. That's a lot. I hadn't planned on it but oh well. I talked to Mitch and he asked once again if I was going to see Kitchen Knife Conspiricy. I said I wanted to see Kalin at all but I didn't wanna see them. He told me that plans changed and everyones going over Papa's tomorrow night. I already have plans though. Money wants me to go see Explicit and I said I would. I know it's wrong but I miss those days with that band so bad. But anyways, I decided to see Jeff like I orginally planned. I played around online a lil longer. I finally fucking finished embroidering my shirt. I got in the shower at 5. I was kinda running late since Im usually at the bar by 6:30/7:00. I got ready. Took my time. I didn't care. I went and got my cheque. I went and got a Twister from KFC. Those are so good. Then I went to Echo. It was around 7:30. To my surprise, Adam K. and Halaina were there. Usually, it's just me and Jeff. There was quite a bit of people in there too. It was odd. I put my food in my purse for the time being cuz I don't like to eat in front of people. I talked to Adam for awhile. Halaina was telling a story about some guy that just couldn't get the clue she didn't like him. I was laughing histarically. I think we all have known people like that. I gave Jeff the list of drinks I made for him. Yes, I gave him a Violent Fuck. hehe. He couldn't get over the names of the drinks...though he got pissed at the one. It was his drink with a different name. His name was Very Bad Things. I liked his better. He also couldn't get over the one called Jedi Mind Trick. I knew he'd get a kick out of it. The crowd died down. Adam had to go pick someone up from work...he said he'd be back later. I couldn't take it anymore and had to eat. Halaina had to go too. She was starving and tired as all hell from work. So we said goodbye to her. Josh still hadn't shown. Who knows what became of him. Adam eventually came back. He was bored so he fucked up the Megatouch machine and got 40 free games. I guess being a mechanic has it's perks. Michelle showed up which surprised all of us. She had been in Florida. She actually quit her job to go. That's some shit. She told us stories. Apparently one of the guys, who's name was Ryan, drank away all his money and didn't have enough to pay for the hotel room. Inevitably, Michelle had to use her credit card. Then on the way home, Ryan's car got a flat tire in South Carolina...and Jay (James Charles Waldeck) had to buy him a new tire. Such bullshit. So this guy owes my friends lots of money. Michelle said that if he doesn't pay in 2 weeks, one tire will be gone from his car. After a month, all tires will be gone. If 2 months pass, his car will be meeting Mr. Baseball Bat. I hope for his sake he pays.

So Adam got sick of waiting for Josh to show and left for Kahunaville. Michelle tagged along with him. That made Jeff happy. He doesn't like her much. I think it was cuz of one night they got drunk at the Ville and Michelle was all over him. It's understandable...but understandable on her part too. The boy is hot. So once again, it was just me and Jeff. A few people had come in and out of the bar. No one had prepared us for what was to come. In walks this black guy, Tommy T-shirt, jean shorts, baseball cap, with a red pick in his hair. We shall call him Vernon Hardapple. If you've ever seen Wonderboys, you know who I'm talking about. If you haven't, in the movie, Micheal Douglas is in the bar, viddying people and see this weird ugly black dude. He and his friend, Robert Downey Jr. make up a crazy story about him and call him Vernon Hardapple. It just fits with the guy in the bar tonight.

So he orders his drinks and starts talking to me. He asked my name. I told him. He then asked if I was there alone. I said I was there to see Jeff. Then he asked if Jeff was my boyfriend. I told him no, that he's just my buddy. He then proceeded to tell me that Jeff was my boyfriend. That's my man cuz Jeff is the man, or so he said. We had a few more times of this. He was more drunk every time he came back. It just kept getting worse. At one point he was talking about me and Jeff again. He said I didn't look so pretty just to sit at the bar all night so Jeff better take me home. Carol and Jen showed up. I hadn't seen Jen since my freshman year so we caught up a lot. Carol told miscellanious drunken Jeff stories. I learned that if you sleep next to him, he has to have his face really close to you and some part of his body strewn over you. Neat. So Vernon comes back in and orders more drinks. He comes up right between me and Jen...when the whole rest of the bar is empty. Ugh. He then said one of us had to help him carry them out to the alley. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Echo is a bowling alley and Jeff is the bartender in the lounge, which is enclosed off the alley. Anyways, Jen was in the bathroom, and Carol grabbed the drink and took it out for him just to get him out of there. She comes back and just says, "Well aren't I the bar bitch tonight! I handed the person their drink and they gave me an empty to take back!" She got in her purse, pulled out her sanitizer and poured it on. She said he got a bit too close. Jeff made a joke about Carol being Vernon's extra hand. She grunted and Jeff said yea extra hand for something and made a jack off motion. Gawd I love my friends. The next time Vernon came back, Carol ran to the bathroom. Thankfully he didn't need and extra hand, though I had to open the door for him.

Carol and Jen headed out. Once more it was just me and Jeff. It was like that for the rest of the night. Vernon came in repeatedly. He asked our names a second time...and again asked if we were going out. Jeff said we were just friends and he disagreed with us once more. He told me I had to love Jeff right cuz he was a good guy. I didn't know what to do but nod my head and say ok. He introduced himself to me as Cocaine, the best in Warren. Dude was nuts. At one point in time, he asked if I could hit my cigarette. There was no way I was having his lips on the cig I had in my hand, so I just gave him one. Eww. He said he needed fire, so I went to light his cigarette, thinking if I handed him my lighter, I'd never get it back. He said I couldn't light his fire. Not even his girl could light his fire. He had to light his own fire. Then he went into some spiel and told Jeff to always light his own fire. Jeff did the same as me and just nodded and smiled. Vernon was out again. He came back. He was so fucking drunk. He said he fell a bunch of times. I don't know. Then he kept asking Jeff if he could have a free drink since he spent so much. Jeff told him they don't give out freebies...which I know is a lie cuz I always drink for free but I wasn't saying anything. Then he started telling me that Jeff was a great guy for sticking to the rules even though it wasn't fair to him. He said when we go home tonight I have to give it to him good. Had to make him scream my name cuz he deserved it. He told Jeff he had to make me scream too cuz I was fine as wine. Hah. He needed help with his drinks again so I took it out...as we were going out into the alley, he said I need to get with nigga like himself. I found that hilarious. Telling me to love Jeff right, then trying to pick me up. Jeff thought it was hilarious.

So we didn't see Vernon for a minute...He came back in and order more double shots of 151. Then his girl came in, scrawny white trash mind you, and said he was cut off. Then Vernon's cousin came in and started to ask if Jeff and I were together. We said no. He then asked Jeff if he had a girlfriend. He said no. He asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said yes. I didn't know what this guy wanted. I wasn't gonna tell him I didn't have one. He told Jeff something about me having problems. I don't exactly remember. It was just crazy. So many people prying into mine and Jeff's personal life. Crazy bastards. At one point I remember, Vernon said if Jeff wouldn't have me then he'd take me away. I had to bitch to Jeff about that one. He told me the guy was so drunk though, if he would've tried to take me away then I could've beat him easily. So he wasn't worried. He said he had his knive though if it did get out of hand. Vernon didn't come back again. We were happy. I think one dude that worked in the alley said the cop, Jim, had to take him out. Nice. Jeff and I listened to some music, talked some more, until he decided to close at 1. He normally closes early. I wasn't surprised. I helped him clean up the bar like always, and that was that. Hopefully, next Friday, Vernon Hardapple won't be there. The dude scares me. Thank gawd he's not a regular and let's pray he doesn't become one. Cuz, as Jeff said every time Vernon left the bar, "They don't fucking pay me enough."

The Inevitable Return Of Lane Evil

2001-11-15T05:24:24Z

Wow. Has it been awhile? I think so. Shit happened but it wasn't really important. neither is this but I thought while standing at work today that I should write. Yea. So the not so trivial stuff that happened lately. Umm. I went on a date. It sucked. Nothing happened nor will it ever. No chemistry what so ever. I went and saw Jeff the Bartender (who's last name I finally learned) on Friday. We talked, I drank. It was good. Andy and Vince showed. That was fun. I'll prolly go again this Friday, though Mitch wants me to go with him to see Kitchen Knife Conspiricy and chill at Papa Sankey's afterwards. I'm very compelled to go. It's been forever and a day since I've been over Sankey's house. Ahh memories. Fond memories. I wonder if the ceiling in the old hang out room is still covered in beer boxes. Every box on that ceiling is a memory. Oh and last Sunday, my dad was so nice to leave the dumpster in the part of the drive way...and I backed into it. I broke my tail light...and he made ME pay to fix it? What kinda shit is that? grr. Oh well.

So I was up all night on the phone last night. I was supposed to go to bed early. I told myself to...but I didn't listen. So around 7 am when my mom got up and said I can't believe you're on the phone, I went to bed. I had set my alarm for 10. When it went off, I reset it for 1030. I was exhausted. Lera woke me up on the intercom at 1030. It was so cute. She said, MISSSSSSSY you gotta get up and get ready for work. So I did, slowly but surely. I actually ate breakfast. That was new. I had rice. Mmm. Then Mom told me we have like no money so I get one thing for Christmas. And I picked a new pair of Sugar Shoes. That's so like me. Something I have to have. Of course, I want Sugar every thing, I don't care what it is. I'm addicted. Sugar High...ooh now I wanna watch Empire Records. hehe.

Anyways, so I was 2 minutes late to work. No one noticed. Well Jon noticed but Jon don't give a shit. It's hilarious, the kinship I have with the boi. All we do it tease, joke, and fight with eachother. It's great. It's like he's the brother I never had. I got stuck on lane evil. Jamie and Denise were there. I got a crowd of people right away. They all had lots of crap. I figured out why. We have our flyers back. I saw it there and I was like Hey. Jamie laughed and said she did the same thing. And then we got our magazines back. It was a crazy day I'm telling you. It sucked. Really bad. Sarah came in and took over for Denise. I love Sarah. Oh yea we got a new girl. Her name is Amber. She's odd. Anyways then Katie took over for Jamie...and I was left as the only one who could scan alcohol. That really sucked. And then Betty left and bitch Jen was there. All that on 3 hours of sleep isn't a good thing. Plus by the time 5 pm rolled around, I was fucking hungry. So I came up with a plan. I wanted Chico's and I always go to Chicos with Mitch. I had to call Mitch.

And the bastard wasn't home. His mom said he was at band practice. I guessed at Grace's house. She told me how to get there. I wasn't planning on interupting but Mitch's mom is weird like that. So I went to Grace's. It wasn't hard to find, but no one was coming to the door...then I heard Grace's drums...so I knocked on the window. We all had fun. Mitch's lil friends adored me for knowing MSI. I thought it was funny as hell. I chilled at band practice. I got to be sound tech...In other words, I turned the mic volume down when it squeeled. Hah. Then me and Mitch went to Chico's and got our pepperoni rolls. We came back to my house, ate, watched tv. Then we went to Aime's and watched South Park. I took him home and here I am. Chris, my buddy from Reseda, CA called and surprised me. That was nice. I'm so tired though. I think I'm gonna go sleep for a bit. I need it. Just for an hour or 2. It's all good. I'll do something. And as the effort of writing has made me light headed, I close with this....I have a belly button. *smirk*

And What I Really Want

2001-10-26T20:39:08Z

I've been thinking lately. I know that's an odd occurence. It's true though. Ever since I don't know how many weeks ago when Something About Mary was on tv, I've been thinking of my perfect guy. I know he doesn't exist...well maybe...somewhere. hehe. But I'm going to take Mary's quote about her dream man and put my own spin on it. Like to hear about it, here it goes:

I want a guy who can watch cartoons at any time of the day...especially Batman. He should be able to spark up a bowl, smoke it, and say ok time for a refill. I want a guy that knows all the words to 311 songs, or at least thinks he knows the words. He needs to be able to go hiking for endless hours and appreciate the never ending beauty of nature and the sky. He has to be able to watch 6 hours of Law & Order and not fall asleep, but be on the edge of his seat. I want a guy that when he's drunk, he's silly as fuck, but doesn't act childish. He should love a wide variety of music, especially pothead funk music, Deadsy, The Cure, & MSI and able to watch mtv2 and make fun of sucky bands with me. He's gotta know the words to the songs in Rocky Horror Picture Show. He has to be able to spout off Simpsons, South Park, and crazy movie quotes off the top of his head. He should know a lot useless information. He's gotta watch Indians games, and only Indians games, and yell at the tv over how much they suck. He should like to read. He should understand my sarcastic sense of humor and retort with his own witty wise ass remark. He's gotta not mind watching any movie, no matter how many times he's seen it or how bad it sucks. It's important to love tv. He's gotta appreciate art, especially mine. He has to think that my insanity is adorable and my squeaky laugh is just the cutest thing. And last but not least, he has to get along with my crazy friends and love me unconditionally. That's my ad. Print it up.

Hah. It's never going to happen. It's a nice thought though. And now I must go get my crappy cheque. I'm hungry too. Maybe I'll get a Market Fresh Chicken Fingers Salad. Gawd I love those things. I am so hungry I can eat at Arby's. Holy shit, It's snowing. It's time to run and hide. Winter has arrived.

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

2001-10-26T07:17:53Z

Where do I even begin? I guess I'll start with days missed in which nothing really happened on.

Monday - I went to work. I didn't want to drag myself out of bed. I couldn't sleep the night before. Dustin called me to tell me goodnight and we ended up talking forever as always. Anyways, I had to work over cuz Nancy called off. It wasn't that bad. Sarah was there to replace me though. I love Sarah. She's one of the only other cashiers that I like. Too bad. When I left work I got an Arby's Market Fresh Chicken Fingers Salad. It always takes me like two hours to eat them. I took me really long that day. I can't remember why but I know it had something to do with online. Oh and I think this was the day that Chris Coldewey called me. He had someone else ask for me. Then came on and asked if I was pissed at him. I told him I wasn't in the want to castrate him any longer. He said he didn't even remember calling my house...that he was told he did. Dumbass. Then he asked if I knew anyone that wanted any speed. What does this kid think of me? Really. And he wonders why I avoid him. I don't remember anything else I did that day. Oh yea. I declared that I was going to quit smoking. On & On.

Tuesday - Tuesday was a pretty sphadoinkle day, I suppose. Chris called me again at 6 in the morning. He asked me if I wanted to roll. I asked him if he knew what time it was. He said I'll call you later. Dumbass. I slept some more. I woke up. I fucked around online. Reese came over to use the computer for school. She didn't go that day cuz she forgot something she needed for class. She felt it was pointless. hehe pretty much. So me and Reese were chilling. I had plans with Mitch later cuz it was his birthday. He was to call me when his girl friend went home. Reese & I talked to Aime. She had talked to Stacee and Stacee told her that her sister Tracee had been online and was talking to some guy named Brad from Niles. So Tracee asked Stacee if she knew someone named Claypool and Stacee just about shit a brick! I would've too! Stacee told Tracee that Brad was Aime's ex and he stalked her. He also went out with Abby Billock and stalked her too! When Tracee talked to him again, she said my sister said I shouldn't talk to you cuz you stalked Aime and Abby. He said he didn't. And that's pure bullshit. I was there one night when Aime and I found him lurking outside her house! Then he asked Tracee, do you have Aime's number? I really liked her and I don't know why she broke up with me. Can you say moron? Then he asked her if she still talked to Abby cuz he still liked her too and didn't know why she broke up with him. Do you really ask a girl you're trying to hook up with for your ex's numbers? Man he's pathetic. So the insurance company called. I had to go through everything that happened. After I explained everything, they say to me, oh well we don't cover cds or stereo equipment in cars. I get shit. Aime gets 3000 dollars for her cds and I get shit. Ugh. That pisses me off so bad. I guess I'm jealous but it's just not fair! Mitch called me. Holly went home early. We decided to go to the movies. It started at 7:30 so I had time to eat and get ready. Only thing is, when Reese and I went upstairs to eat, we found there was no food for us! My dad had taken all the meat and made 3 giant hamburgers. None for us. Oh. That pissed me off too! He had specifically asked if we were eating. Didn't he wonder why he had so much meat? Apparently, Reese and I going downstairs threw him off course. I was so pissed and he yelled at me like it was my fault. He was like I don't see you ever cooking dinner. So I reminded him that the last time I cooked, he and grandpa ate it all and left me with nothing. I got my stuff and I left. Reese was pissed too. We went out separate ways. I stopped at Burger King and got a little something to eat. I got to Mitch's and ate. He was watching blow. When we were done bullshitting we left for the movies. It was storming pretty bad. I hate driving in storms. It freaks me out. The movies didn't give us any shit about Mitch not having an ID and it being a R rated movie. I don't think I could've handled it if they did. We saw From Hell. It was pretty nifty. I'm sure it could've been better but Johnny Depp is so fucking hot that it makes up for all. I dropped Mitch off and came home. On the way I kept telling myself that I was going to stop and get cigarettes. My mind was working against me. I didn't though. I was a good girl. I worked on my book a bit. I got a few extra pages on there. I should remember to work on it more often. I need to get it finished.

Wednesday - I went to bed late the night before. I had to work at 2:45. I planned on sleeping till 1. Dad woke me up at 11 with a phone call. It was Amber The Stone. She told me she was pregnant. Whoo fucking hoo for her. I was half asleep. That girl can talk forever. You can't get a word in edge wise. I took me a half hour before I could say well I have to go get in the shower for work. She finally let me go. I just went back to bed. It was so hard to wake up again. I didn't want to go to work of all places. I can't afford to miss a day. I went in. Nancy was the only other cashier there. I can't believe she actually came to work for once. So work went on. It was hectic. It was busy as hell. We constantly had to call Linda up to ring. One time I called her up becuz some lady yelled at me saying I need help in the candy aisle! About 15 minutes late Linda shows up, and I tell her about the lady. And she said how would I know her or something to that effect. And I said she'll be the bitchy one. I shouldn't have said it I know. There was customers in my line and it's not right. I didn't say it loud though...I was away from my line...and there was no one else around. Yet later on, I need to have a word with Dave, or so Betty tells me. So I go up to asshole Dave who says I don't want to hear that you've swore in front of a customer ever again. I asked him if they complained and he said no but we've probably lost a customer. I told him it was an accident and that was that. I thought about it though...no one was around. That means Linda fucking told on me. That slimy cunt bitch. Ugh. So that pissed me off. Then Sarah came in! YAY! We talked forever about how fucking stupid Phar-mor is. I guess Doug's all pissy that he gave his position to John, Sarah's boy friend, cuz he told people that he wasn't doing his job. And now scary Wendy asks John if he's working every time she sees him. Ugh. What's with this place? Lakendra came in later too. She's kewl. Rumor is Meghan and Todd are going out. That's just eww cuz Todd is icky. I eventually went home. I started working on my mother's craft projects for the Eagle's Nest. She said if I help her with him then she'll pay my insurance next month. I called it a deal. I'm not going to complain. I watched Law & Order...both the regular and A&E episode. When it was almost midnight, Chris called me again. I don't know what he wanted. I think he wanted me to go out there. There was a tornado watch and I wasn't going anywhere. Dumbass. Ugh. Then he said he's got goodies for me in the roll form *sighs* I don't think he ever gives up. I went online after Dad was done with Skywarn. Sxy, Adam English's ex was in the Ladies Room. I asked if she had talked to him. She said she had and that he wasn't feeling well. I made the next comment being that I wouldn't get to see him today then if he's still sick. She just got hostile then. I had no clue what was going on. I left the room. I told Erin what happened. She didn't get it either. Adam came online. He said he didn't want to talk to me. I didn't get it and I was hurt. I went in the Watch and talked with Chris Bollweg for awhile. I checked the LR later on to find Adam made a forum post saying he had a cyber stalker. I didn't understand the comment but I knew he meant me. I went in the room and asked if I was allowed to talk to him now. We got in this huge fight about Sxy. His excuse for calling me a stalker is becuz I asked if she had talked to me. What the hell is that? Apparently it's not good for people to think about someone else. Whatever. I didn't think it would cause so much trouble. The Chat crashed and it was over with. No more fighting. I went to bed after writing a nasty email.

Today - I woke up late. Chris Bollweg had said he'd call me before he went to work...at about 3:30 my time. I kept getting wrong numbers on my cell. I hate stupid people. They call. I answer. They say oh I'm sorry I have the wrong number. They hang up. They call right back. So I check the LR Forum to find that Sxy had left a post about me. I wrote one back. It was pretty nasty. Chris B. actually called me at 4:30. He's a silly boy. He's a great friend though. We don't even really talk. We just sing to eachother on the phone. I'll be singing Fiona Apple at the same time he's singing Spineshank. It's an odd combination. I got off the phone when I got so hungry I had to find food. I got my food and never really got to eat it. I saw Sxy was in the LR so I went in to ask her if she had anything to say to me. She timed out. I checked the Forum. It was the reason she timed. It was a big nasty one this time. Oh mean it was. Anyways I asked her if she had something to say to me. We started fighting. Adam came in and all 3 of us were fighting. Now I don't usually remark when I got some booty, either on here or in chat....but Sxy heard that I said I'd slept with Adam. I knew it was Jess. I had told her on ICQ that I wonder how bad Sxy would flip if she knew we had, and Jess went and told her. Adam private message me and asked when we supposedly had sex. That was a low blow. It hurt like hell. I know I didn't just dream it up. I couldn't understand why he was doing all this to me. Sxy was being really mean. The whole room was. Everyone was calling me psycho. It was horrible. All these people I didn't know were judging me. The fight got into public. Adam was denying everything. I couldn't stand it anymore. I started going off. So I said to him, Adam if I was never at your apartment, then how did I get this picture of you? He said his dad had taken it. So I said oh yea that's why it's in the stack with the rest of my film and Reese could verify that cuz she was with me when I picked it up from the store. It was around that time that Sxy started believing me. She asked me to prove that I slept with Adam. She asked me where all his piercings were. I told her. I think she just gasped when she read that. She knew the truth. Adam tried to tell her that he tells everyone about them. Whatever. He was caught and he knew it. I couldn't stand to see him lying to me and especially to her...whom he said he'd loved so much. For further proof, I told her exactly what Adam's apartment looked like. She was down right furious! She told him she never wanted to speak to him again. He bolted from the room. Sxy was pissed at me too. We worked it out though. We collaborated and found out just how many lies Adam had told to the both of us. He told us that Katie and him got divorced cuz she cheated on him. Found out from Erin that was a complete lie. He lied to her about having a license...either that or lied to me about not having one. We're not positive on that. We just talked and talked. Talked down on him. Made fun of him. We both couldn't believe how we could be so naive to think he was Mr. Perfect. Men. We found out the truth though. We're better off. What will become of the new Mr. Compulsive Liar? I'm not sure. Sxy won't speak to him. I don't want to either. I feel bad that all this happened. I never wanted to be caught in the middle. I'm not the bad person though. I must remember that. So the name Adam is added to the list of names that are bad for me. I brush the dust from my hands and move on. I took a bath. I went and got cigarettes. I couldn't take not having them anymore. I had already been smoking my dad's during the fight. I was so upset then that I was shaking. It's all worked out though. I don't care anymore. And that was that.

Shut Up Bitch! Go Fix Me A Turkey Pot Pie.

2001-10-21T21:02:24Z

So I'm sick. I was hoping I wouldn't be but it came. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat. I woke up today with stuffy nose and a sore throat. Apparently every measure I take to get rid of this sickness is just making it worse. I sent daddy to the store for me. We had nothing good in this house. I need orange juice. I need cough drops. I need raisins. No one understands that one, but I want to make pancakes. haha. I'm so thirsty right now. There is nothing to drink. Well water but I don't want to drink water. I'm picky.

I haven't done a damn thing all weekend. Let's see. Was there anything important. Chris called my house at 2:30 in the morning Thursday/Friday. He called over and over saying he need 2 large pizzas. That was all he would say. I left the phone off the hook...after I gave a few threats of death and castration. He called my cell phone and screamed something in it. I couldn't understand it. I didn't give a damn. I haven't talked to him since. If I do talk to him it will be to tell him I want my bowl, my address book, and the 15 dollars he owes me. He pissed me off too much.

Friday I went to work. It sucked. That's normal. I got my crappy cheque and I haven't spent a penny of it. I'm going to try to keep it that way. Having no money sucks badly. I didn't do anything. I never do anything. I sit at home and watch tv. It's good enough for me at the moment. I'm sick. I have an excuse to do nothing. Of course, it's an excuse to work on my book or work on my mural...but I always put those things off. Does it matter anymore?

Don't Quote Dickens In My Apartment!

2001-10-18T02:58:57Z

And on with the missed days!

Monday the 8th - So I called Chris. He wasn't home. I talked to Jenny. She hadn't heard from Chris. I told her what happened the night before. She laughed but she was sympathetic. I told her I would try to find out what happened so I called up Smac Daddy. I talked to him for awhile. I told him what happened. He told me he hadn't see Chris but he did see Lenny over Tiffany's. Chris was probably there too. He told me Chuck had gone to jail. He got charged for domestic violence, paraphernalia, and resisting arrest I think. Anyways, he'll be there for 6 months. Smac said he wished he hadn't been asleep. Poor guy missed all the drama.

Sister of Satan, Jenny Stefanko

Tuesday the 9th - Yea Chris still wasn't home. Mitch called. I had to go to the craft store. So here's what I did. I grabbed Mitch's dvd's. I took them to his house. He came with me to the craft store. Me in a craft store is a bad idea. I like to buy things. I got glue sticks...what I went for in the first place. While walking to the register, I found the bestest thing. A dog bone cookie cutter! I had to get it! I can now make Deadsy cookies. What an awesome way to promote them! Urantula will get such a kick out of it, I'm sure. From there Mitch and I decided we were hungry. I knew just what I wanted to eat. We headed to Chico's Place to get the greatest pepperoni rolls there are. Next we went to the video store and rented Saving Silverman. My cousin Sarah and her daughter Leslie were at my house we when got back. I didn't pay attention. I said hi, I grabbed my food and a pepsi, and headed down to my room to watch That 70's Show. We came back up to where annoying Sarah was leaving. But not before her annoying daughter pissed me off and they made me pose for pictures. They left. Back to Tennessee. Thank gawd! We watched Saving Silverman, my mom included. It was funny. I liked it. I took Mitch home and that was that day.

The Insane Mitchell George

Wednesday the 10th - I called Jenny. Still no Chris. She said he had called though. He said he was staying at Tiffany's. Both Jenny and I were worried. She asked that I bring him home. I told her I would try. So I went to work. It fucking sucked. When doesn't it, though? After work, I called Chris from my cell phone. I went over Tiffany's. They had left to go steal alcohol. Great guys. Really. Smac was there doing laundry. I chilled with him. We got bored. We almost thought they got caught and weren't coming back. Oh well. I climbed the tree in Tiff's yard. I just had to. It was perfect for climbing. They returned when I was in the tree. It was pretty funny. We chilled for awhile. Tiff couldn't get Andrew to go to bed. So we ended up taking him to Dean's with us. Chris ran in and out. We smoked a bowl on the way back. We got back. We drank some vodka and lemonade mixed together. Smac's friend Darryl stopped in for a minute. He was pretty nice. We smoked some more. Smac and I were the only ones in the house that weren't drunk. Chris bit me. It fucking hurt like hell. Lenny decided to play fight with me. He picked me up and slammed me on the floor. My knees hurt so bad. The one more than the other. It was cut up but it wasn't bleeding. Everyone started fighting. It was really bad. One minute they were happy...the next they were throwing things. Chris told me he wanted out of there but he couldn't go home the way he was. I agreed to take him and Lenny to my house to stay the night. Tiffany realized I was taking them away and got pissed off. When Chris and I had got out the door, she locked it, keeping Lenny as a hostage. Chris was pissed off then. He started kicking in the door. Lenny was fighting with Tiffany inside. He managed to maneuver around her fat ass and unlock the door. He got out and we were off. Chris kept changing his mind. I ended up driving around. Tiffany kept calling my phone. I didn't answer it. I finally decided that the drunk asses were staying at my house and that was that. We got back here and I wanted to go to bed. They were still awake though Chris was quickly fading. They were being loud too. I felt like I was babysitting them again. I really hate that. Lenny decided to sleep on my couch. Chris was going to sleep in the bed with me. Never fucking again. First off he snores like a dieing giraffe. He crawled all over me. He slept in the middle of the bed giving me no room at all. He dug his head into my shoulder blade. It was just horrible. I couldn't take. I pulled my blanket out from under him, grabbed my pillow, and slept in the recliner in the computer room. My dad woke me up at 9. I went back in my room. Chris hadn't moved any so I pushed him as well as I could. I made room and finally got to sleep.

The Wonderful Smac Daddy...oh and Chris too.

Thursday the 11th - We woke up. The boys were hung over. We chilled and drank coffee. Oh yea. I was getting pretty sick of them. Aime called me. She wanted to go out to eat. I told her I had to get rid of the boys. I got dressed. I took them back to Chris's house. I didn't care that they were locked out. I did what I said though. I promised Jenny I'd bring him home and I did. I went straight to Aime's after that. She had already ate. Heh. We took her Jeep and got me some Burger King. We stopped at Lil Mac's to grab some papers. We also grabbed a big Mike's Hard Lemonade and a Heineken. We went back to her house and I ate. It was almost time for Friends so we quickly smoked a bowl. We were gone. Bush had some crap on so we waited forever for him to finish so we could watch Friends. We watched videos in the mean time. That was when we saw the new Incubus video. Ouch. It's just wrong man. They made Brandon out to be some wanton sex god. It's just horrible. We couldn't stand it. We finally watched Friends. I went home after that. I watched the rest of Must See Thursday and that was pretty much that.

Friday the 12th - Let's see. I talked to Erik most of the morning. He asked if I could see him that night. I agreed. Chris called. He wanted me to take him to Dean's to get some smokage. I was alright with that but I had to stop at Phar-mor to get my crappy cheque, I need to get some paint, and I had to be back at 3 to finish making plans with Erik. Well I got my crappy cheque. I picked up Chris and Lenny. We went to Dean's. He wasn't there. Shitty. Dean's bitch said he had gone to Tiffany's. So I took them to Tiffany's. She wasn't there either. They decided to stay though. I had to go so I wasn't chilling. I went home. I talked to Erik once more. He told me to be at his house at 6. That gave me time. So I took my dvd to video update, I got gas, and I went to Ames. I spent 15 dollars on paint. That fucking sux. I then got Arby's cuz I was starving. You know how the saying goes, "I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's." I got a Market Fresh Chicken Fingers Salad. It was damn good too. I went to Erik's. He was in the shower when I got there. I talked to his mom for a bit. He came out. We went to his room. I could only stay for a bit. He forgot he had to go to a birthday party. He always has somewhere to be. I wonder if he actually goes. After that I called Chris at Tiffany's. I went back there. It was boring. Since it was a Friday night and all, I decided to go see Jeff at the Echo Lounge. He's so awesome. We talked forever. It was mostly about DBZ. That was funny. I drank Rolling Rock, for free, of course. After a few hours, another of Jeff's friends showed up. And holy hell it was fucking Andy. I hadn't see Andy in ages. Not since the days of drunken house parties and picnics at the Ledges. He looked so much different. It was kewl. We did shots. All and all I had 5 Rolling Rocks, a mellon ball shot, a buttery nipple shot, and one that Jeff hadn't named yet. That was a great night.

The Evil Erik Fowler

Jeff the Bartender

Saturday the 13th - I know I slept through most of the day. I don't remember anything important happening. Dad had taped SVU for me. Yay. I watched that. I'm pretty sure I was online for awhile. I think I talked to Adam English, a guy I hadn't seen forever, in the chat room. He's so awesome. He lives in Cortland. We said we'd have to get together sometime. I agreed. He gave me his number. I told him I'd give him a call the next day. Chris called. He was drunk. He told me to come over. He was at some guy named Joe's house. I found it easily. Joe was passed out by the time I got there so I never did meet him. His apartment was so fucking nice. That's a bit funny for being in downtown Warren. I drank a couple beers. Lenny and Chris were being dumbasses as usual. I found out that they're together now. I didn't give a damn cuz I had completely lost my retardation for Chris the night he annoyed me so badly. Though Chris wanted to play games. He thought it'd be kewl to call 911 and hang up. It was great when the cops showed up. Really. Chris and Lenny turned off all the lights and pretended like they were sleeping. They told me to do the same. I wasn't having it. Fucking idiots. So here I was, at someone's apartment that I didn't know, having to face the cops. I told them it was an accident...that someone had hit the wrong button the phone. They said that was ok and they left. I was pretty fucking pissed. I left then. I came home. And that was that wonderful night.

Demented Chris Coldewey

Sunday the 14th - I woke up to a call from Aime. She was fucking frantic. Her Jeep got broken into. Her cd's were gone. Her bowl was gone. Her dug out was gone. Her stereo and credit card was still there. She was highly upset. We knew it was the same people that had got into my car. I came to find out later in the day that not only her Jeep had been broken into, but Jason and Kari's as well. Aime said that all the house around there got hit. It pisses me off so bad. I talked to Adam K. on ICQ. He said he had to go to Erin's baby shower and haul all the crap she got but that he would stop over after he did that. He did. We watched Emperor's New Groove on tv. I had to change it when Law & Order CI came on though. He then proceeded to tell me that work paged him and he had to go in. I said ok and that I would stop in becuz I had forgotten that I wanted to give Jeff my book to have his opinion on it. When I did stop in, Jeff had left early. No big deal. The big deal, Echo never paged Adam. He lied. I don't know why. Like I would've cared if he just said, ok I have to go now. Fucker. Come to find out from Adam E. that he had told the same lie to Erin. Erin caught him when she called Echo to tell him something she forgot. It was her that paged him. I guess he went to the Ground Round and got in a big fight with him. What a dumbass. But a realization came out of this incident. Erin always told me that Adam told her I was psycho. He always told me the same about her. He's the one that's crazy though. He always comes up with excuses and lies. He turned me and Erin against each other just to keep us out of the loop. No more though. He can fuck right off. On the way home from Echo, I got a 6 pack of Rolling Rock. I pretty much slammed it cuz I was pissed. I was drunk as all hell. It wasn't a good thing. Missy was a bad girl. Oh well. No one was harmed. That's the important part.

Mr. Compulsive Liar, Adam Kudrich

Monday the 15th - Chris kept calling me, wanting to do something. I just kept putting off talking to him. I talked to Adam E. He said I could come over and have an excuse to avoid Chris. It worked well. I got dressed and went over Adam's. He had warned me that his apartment was a mess. He was right. I've actually seen worse though. It's called Reese's house. Hah. We watched Pleasantville. We watched tv. We talked about a lot of things. I found out his favorite band is 311 and his favorite shows are Simpsons, South Park, and all versions of Law & Order. How fucking perfect is he? I don't remember when exactly it was but at some point in the night, he kissed me. He's a great kisser too! No one kisses like that any more. Once again I use the word puuurrrrfect. So we made out for about 12 hours straight. It was so cute. Felt like we were 15 again. Time just seemed to fly by and we were oblivious to it. We watched Simpsons, of course. We watched 3 hours of Law & Order and Crossing Jordan. Most of the time we didn't pay too much attention. We watched Dexter's Laboratory. We watched Jay Leno. Tell you what, you can't make out during Headlines. It's just too fucking funny. There was pretty much nothing on tv anymore so we watched Suicide Kings. I love that he owns Suicide Kings. At about 6 in the morning, I fell asleep in his arms. I've never been good at sleeping with guys...as you so know from earlier days. With Adam it was different. He didn't annoy me. It felt right. Oh yes. Missy has a crush. It's a bad one. Ackem.

Mr. Purrfect, Adam English

Tuesday the 16th - I woke up at 10 to my phone going off. It was my mom. She told me that Leeah was over there and asking for me. I decided I'd kick myself out since it seems Adam never would. Hah. He walked me to the door and I was gone. I had forgot to close my sunroof the day before. I do that sometimes. For my luck though, it was raining and my car was soaked. I made it home. I played with Leeah until Jessie had to go pick up Natalie from school. I went to check my mail. Adam was online doing the same. I talked to him for a bit. I asked him what his dad had said about me after he left. He laughed and said, oh he just blurted out, who was that? I thought it was funny too. After that we both went and took a nap. Kari was here. She had taken over my computer to do book reports. Reese came over. We went and got my pictures developed. She worked on her art stuff. I got back online later. He told me though that he wasn't feeling well. Not good. He's sick. I'll probably get sick. I was sad though. Adam could only talk about Nicky. His ex net girl friend. :( He really loved her. At least he thinks he did, cuz I don't see how you could ever truly love someone with out ever meeting them. It makes me sad though cuz I'm right here, yet he wants a married woman with a kid and one on the way who lives 14 hours away. It's just not fair. Life isn't though. We talked about it. He cried. I cried. It wasn't good. He went to try to sleep again. Poor guy didn't feel well at all. Erin came online. I apologized to her. We talked. She's kewl. Adam K. had denied being at my house Sunday. She asked what he wore to prove that he was there. I told her. She called him. They fought. He hung up on her. She went down to Kahunaville. Bad mojo man. While she was gone, I talked to Adam's friends. I made them promise not to say a damn thing about how I feel. I cried some more. I got over it though. Adam came online. He said he puked twice. Not good. He seemed to emotionally feeling better though. I like it better when he's laughing. I told him to go get some more rest. He did. Erin came back. She said she went to the ville and smacked Adam K. across the back of the head. Bad. They yelled and screamed. Oh well. She believes me over him. That's the good thing. She's beginning to realize like I did. Good for her. I talked to Erin for a bit more and I went to bed. And that was that.

The Beautiful Kari Scott

The Best Friend, Reese Smith

Today! - I didn't want to get out of bed. I finally did around 3. Chris called, of course. He keeps asking to see me. I dunno if I want to. I told him I didn't feel very good, which I don't. I got online. I got email from Erik. He says he never wants to see me again...again. He always does this. I don't care anymore. He can do whatever the hell he wants. Men piss me off. I talked to Erin some. I talked to Adam some. He's not feeling any better. Great. He also told me that his ex wife called or something with more news about Germany. He thinks he might have to go with her for awhile. I don't know why. I guess I'll get filled in later. I hope he doesn't have to. I didn't really do anything today. It was fairly uneventful but I do have some news. I AM FUCKING SPECIAL! That is right. I got an email that the MSI site had been updated. And what do you know, my pictures are up in the fan section! I am loved. Many thanx to James, Steve, Kitty, and Vanessa. You made my day.

The pictures can be viewed here and here.

Ta da!

Go Bananna!

2001-10-16T15:40:28Z

I'm just floating on a fucking cloud right now. I know that I haven't written in forever. I don't plan on writing my usual long ass entry right now either. As much as I would like to, I'm too fucking tired. I don't think I could write out all the days that I missed if I tried. As is right now I'm going to have to get a calendar to see if I can even remember what occurred. But in this moment I am happy. Happy. It's all due to a certain boi who's house I just got home from. I still can't believe he didn't get sick of me with the long time we spent together. I had so much fun. I never wanted it to end. I wish I could've brought him home with me.

Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You You're Kewl Fuck You I'm Out

2001-10-08T06:23:54Z

Well well. Today would've been find and dandy. It would've been, if I wasn't so retarded over Chris. I woke up at 4 pm. Yea I know that's pretty bad. I was feeling kind of lousy. I kept looking at the clock. Every time it would be a different hour. I just didn't care. Apparently, no one else did either. I didn't do anything really. I chatted. I worked on my dolls. Elijah is finished now and I added more blood to Craig. It doesn't really matter though. I'll never find a way to Columbus to give the dolls to them. Whatever.

So as I was in the middle of UC: Undercover, Chris calls. He was drunk off his ass, again. It was so easy to tell. Most of the time he was talking to the people in the background. They kept asking who he was on the phone with. All he would tell them was that it was his girl. I thought that was cute. He told me though that he needed rescued. UpChuck and Tiffany were fighting again. I told him I would be there as soon as possible. I was in my pjs at the time. So I got dressed. I stopped watching my beloved UC and left. I stopped and got cigarettes cuz I may be retarded for him, but I'm not that crazy. I get there and he came out to great me. It seemed he was so excited to see me. He just jumped on me. I didn't know what was going on. At first I thought we were leaving. I gave him a piggy back ride to my car. Then he said he had to get his alcohol so I put my bag in the car and gave him a piggy back ride to the house. Everyone else was getting in Tiff's car then. I let Chris down at the car where Lenny said he was going with Tiff. Chris then decided he wanted to go with them. He said that's why he called me and that he wanted me to go with him. I didn't want to. I told Chris to just come with me. He wouldn't listen. I told him I'd go with him but I had to get my bag from my car. I went to get my bag. I was unlocking my door when Nicole was screaming at Tiff and Tiff was screaming back from her car. I just had my bag around my shoulder when Tiff drove off. I don't know what the hell was going on. Had Chris forgot about me? Had he thought I wasn't coming? Had Tiff not given a damn? I don't know.

I went into the house then. I asked Chuck where they had gone. He said they went to the store and that they'd be back soon. I don't know what the hell Chuck was on. Let me reiterate the situation for you though. Chuck was going fucking insane. I don't know what he put in his body but he was scaring the shit out of me. He kept saying he was sorry. He kept asking that I not tell things to Tiff and Nicole. I have no idea what he was talking about. He kept saying how he needed pills. He cried his eyes out. He told me how his back hurt. He said something about thinking he has ADD. Then he'd go back to talking about how he needed pills. He said he was going to puke if he didn't have any aderol. He kept calling me Chris. That scared me the most. He kept saying I needed to hook him up. He talked a lot wanting to blow his head off. I had no idea what to say to any of this. I wanted Chris to come back. Here Chuck was flipping out and I was there with him. He just kept talking about killing himself, pills, and kept crying his eyes out. When he got up and took a piss in the sink when I was sitting right there, I got up and left. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I went to my car. When I was unlocking it, Chuck came to the door. I ducked so he couldn't see me. Maybe he'd forget I was there or just chock it up to a figment of his imagination. I waited in my car for awhile. I waited and waited but Chris never returned. At 11:30 I decided to leave. As I pulled off the street though, I saw in my rear view mirror that someone was pulling in. I decided to swing back around to see if it was them. I came back and I looked in from the stopped car, Chuck came up to my car. I rolled down the window and asked if they were back yet. Now I know Tiff and I's cars are alike but I sure as hell don't look like her. He talked to me like I was her. He said that her mom was on the phone and that she was calling the police to take away the baby. He kept trying to open the door, not realizing it was locked. He realized I wasn't Tiff then. He told me again that the police were coming and that I needed to go find Tiff. I told him I didn't know where they were. He said I had to go find them. He wanted me to take him somewhere. I told him I couldn't. I left then. I went home. I was so pissed off. I'm still pissed off. I can't believe Chris got me out there and then left me there. He's gonna get it when I talk to him. I'll end up forgiving him though. I know I will. I will talk to him about this though. I just hope everything was ok for him. I guess I'll find out later. I hate playing the waiting game.

Stuck At A 5 Year Old's Birthday Party

2001-10-07T02:35:38Z

I woke up. I don't remember what time it was. I don't remember what time I went to bed. I know it was late cuz I went to Money's at midnight. It was around 3:30 that I got home. Money got stood up by some bitch. I brought him a 2 liter of Coke so he could drink his 151. He made me a soft pretzel. He's a good boy. That girl was stupid for not going to see him. Oh well. Where was I. Oh yes. I woke up. I fucked around for awhile. I don't really remember this morning much. I know mom had Haley's cake and presents and was doing stuff with that. I went and cleaned my room. It was pretty icky. I blame it on Chris and Lenny. They left it in shambles. It wasn't really their fault though. It wasn't so great in the first place. It took me awhile. It was almost 6 when I finished, got dressed, and headed upstairs again.

Jessie, Natalie, Leeah, Aunt Deb, & Uncle Don had arrived while I was cleaning. Mom and Aunt Deb were cooking. Mike didn't come cuz it's the first day of hunting season and my brother in law is a fucking hillrod. I think Aunt Sue, Jill, Jason, Haley, and Debbie Loftus were the next group to show up. It was almost time to eat then. We talked for awhile. Kari, her boyfriend Vince, and Wendy showed up. Kari said Aime and Jason were taking a nap and would be over later. We ate. Sloppy Joes and chips. Whoo hoo.

The teenagers and I decided to go hide in my room after that. Kari and Vince, whom we've affectionately nicknamed Barfaroni, ventured to the hole also known as the basement. Barfaroni just stared at my walls for the longest time. It's funny cuz Kari's walls are just like mine in a way. I don't know why he was so amazed. Kari and I talked about school for awhile. We made fun of KRob who was such a horrible teacher. All she ever talked about was the Puritans. What the fuck do the Puritans have to do with English? Her and her stupid mushroom head hair cut...and no I don't mean the band. I just told Kari to start talking about how KRob used to jello wrestle if she started giving her shit again. Kari said it's Shim's last year at school. I'll have to go visit him...if I can wake up early enough to do so. Barfaroni didn't talk much. The only times he opened his mouth was to talk about drums. He also mentioned some bullshit about meeting Trent Reznor. I don't believe him...I'm not that fucking gullible. Sure, Andy's aunt went out with Weird Al. That I know is true. Kim met Trent Reznor but because they're grandfather's worked together. That I know is true. I'm friends with MSI and make out with James whenever I see him. That I know is true...and I have proof of...but if this lanky dork from Hubbard thinks I'm gonna give a shit about what he has to say, he's got another thing coming. He also said bad things about Rocky Horror so I don't like him already.

We had to go up to sing to Haley. Uncle Don stole 2 of my Rolling Rock's and was going after a third. I beat him to it. I'm sorry but you DO NOT drink the last bottle of someone else's beer. That's just fucking wrong. Aime and Jason had arrived. I don't know why they hadn't come down to my room. Oh well. We sang happy birthday. Presents were opened...very slowly...the cake was cut. Aime and I dispersed to my room. Jason and Jason went outside to smoke. I don't know where Jill was. Kari and Barfaroni we're practically making it on my couch in front of the family. A good time was had by all. Uh huh. And if you believe that, you're a fucking moron.

Everyone eventually left. Jill, Jason, and Aunt Sue are headed back to Tennessee tomorrow. They'll be happy. The cold just about killed them. So to recap, Chris hasn't called me. I talked to him yesterday but only just to hear that he was insanely tired and needed to sleep. I called him then too. I'm still kinda worried but I'm not gonna let it bother me. Seriously though I'm so retarded over the boy nothing else has mattered. I have so many things I need to get done. I don't want to do anything. I have worked on my book though. I made it to the 100 mark. Yay for me, but for some reason I don't feel like celebrating. I don't feel like being home right now, yet I have no where to go. It's so great being me.

Satan's Got Me Eating Out Of His Hand

2001-10-05T06:54:43Z

Today was a pretty damn sphadoinkle day. Oh where oh where is Jenny when I need her!!! I need to talk to someone. I need to talk girl talk. I need my Jengirl! I guess since she's not here at the moment, I'll write it all down. So Chris woke me up at 11:30. It was weird. I woke up to the phone ringing. I just knew it was Chris. Dad knocked on my door. I picked up the phone. I was right. We talked for awhile. I told him I'd be over in awhile to get him. It seemed he wanted to see me. It took me some time to get ready, as it always does. Chris called what seemed like 5 times in the mean time. He explained later that he was going stir crazy and needed to get out. Emily was repeatedly calling him and driving him insane. I bet she was pissed when he told her he already had plans with me. Oh well. I just hope he doesn't give back in to her.

Anyways, I picked up Chris and Lenny. Ugh. I know. Anytime I see Chris anymore it's with Lenny. It's not that I don't like him, it's that I'd like to be alone with Chris once in awhile. Another thing is those guys are not good together. They act like lil kids with each other. As much as it is cute, I feel like I'm babysitting them. I have to yell sometimes just to get them to calm down. Anyways, I have to go on with the story. I took Chris to get his check. I didn't get mine cuz I wanted to be able to cash it there. We then went to the store so Chris could get money. After that we went next door and got alcohol. I don't remember what it was called. Something 101. From there we went to the store...again. We got apple cider to mix with the cinnamon something 101. heh. We went to my house. We ate. We drank. Ok, I didn't drink, really.

Chris called some girl. We went over her house. We got weed. We smoked with the girl, who's name was Jen. We took her back to her house. We went back to my house. We made more drinks. We grabbed my bowl and we climbed up on the garage roof. It was really pretty. All the leaves falling and the clouds rolling across the sky. The three of us smoked a bowl up there. We walked in the woods. Lenny kept kicking around Leeah's ball. It was funny. He has so much energy. Not me and Chris. We're lazy. hehe. We smoked another bowl outside. The bugs were getting bothersome though so we headed back in. Chris ran out of cigarettes. It's easy to do seeing how Lenny bums them all. hah.

Lenny and Chris drank more. We smoked again. It go. It gone. bye bye. bye. Chris and I sat together. I sat behind him with my arms wrapped around his stomach. We watched Friends. Oh my gawd I can't believe Ross is the father! I knew he would be but dizamn! I loved how they played it out though. How they went through all the guys until the very end. After that we went to get cigarettes and pick up the pizza my dad had ordered. Oh we got more alcohol. Like the boys needed it, especially Chris. He bought me a big hard lemonade though. That was sweet of him. We came back here. We ate. It took Chris like almost a half hour to eat once piece of pizza. That was so funny. All of us were so giggling. We just kept playing with each other. Chris and I were play fighting at one point. He accidentally punched me in the chin. He felt soooo bad. He said I could hit him back. I'm not that mean. Instead, I kissed him. I KISSED HIM! He said, oh that didn't hurt. We went back to being giggly again. Oh it's so funny cuz when I make him laugh really hard, he snorts. It's hilarious. Perfect. I squeak. He snorts. haha.

Chris was drunk as piss. We got yelled at for being loud. It was pretty bad. Chris was being really loud. It comes from being drunk. I kept trying to calm him down. In the midst of having to beat him down, I kissed him...AGAIN! After more playing around I had to get the boys home. Chris said he was going back to his house, but when we got to Lenny's he decided against it. Lenny got out and Chris and I talked awhile. I asked him if he'd remember anything and he said he would. This boy was really drunk. I don't know if he will or not. He said he'd call me tomorrow...which probably means Saturday knowing Chris. Then he said for me to give him a big hug, which I did, and we kissed again. He went inside with Lenny and I was off.

Three times I kissed that boy. Countless times I kissed his neck while I was sitting behind him. It's driving me crazy now. Do I want him to remember what happened? I think I do but I don't know. I mean what repercussions could there be? He could not remember and things will be as they were. If he does it can go to ways. He'll shun away from me, or we'll get closer. I don't want him to shun away from me, that's for sure. I don't know what will happen. I mean at one point when I kissed his neck, he got up and said we can't have none of that cuz bad things might happen. But Money made the point of drunk or not, would he let me kiss him 3 times if he didn't want to? I don't think so. Lenny was telling me this morning too, when Chris was in Phar-mor that Chris told him all about how he and I were when we were 16. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. OH until I find out what's going on I think I'm going to be all weirded out. I want my Chris back. I want it back to how it was when we were younger. Actually, I want it better than that. I want to be with him this time. Oh this was such a bad idea. He just broke up with Emily and I go kissing him. What the fuck was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking how much I still love him. How I've always loved him. Of all the fun times we've had. How we kissed on New Years that one year, in front of all his family. That was so funny. And our first kiss. How I made a wish on the thanksgiving turkey's wish bone that he would, and how did that night. Of how I would do anything for him. Oh yea I'm retarded for the boy. Heaven help this girl. She's in Satan's clutches, and only wants to be held tighter.

Adventures In Gardening...Part 2

2001-10-04T03:32:57Z

I went to work with Jessie again. It sucked, once again. We started off by unloading hay and cornstalks from a truck. That was fun, lemme tell ya. Next, I had to push a wheel barrow full of concrete mix up the big fucking hill. I then had to mix the concrete. I had to take the stupid thing back down the hill. That sucked almost as much as pushing it up the hill. After I put the concrete around this stupid pole, I had to clean off all the tools. That sucked too. It was fucking hot out. Damn killer sun. Anyways, I had to clean out all these pots. Unhook the stupid latches, dig out the plant, throw it in a pile, put the pot away. Boring. After that, I had to pull a bunch of Canna Lillies. I cut the stalks. I pulled the tags. I took the roots from the pots. I threw the roots away, made a pile for the dirt, and put the bulbs in the sun to dry. I did this over and over and over again. When I was finished, I pulled more Canna's and did the same damn thing. I did that for the whole rest of the day. It was fucking exhausting. It sucked so bad. I was covered in dirt...again. I ate dinner. I watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer for some stupid reason. I guess I was really bored. I watched more tv, and then I took a bath. I still feel dirty. My hands still look dirty. It sucks. Icky.

In other news, I talked to Renn from Deadsy last night. He said if I don't come to Columbus and give him his doll, he's gonna kick my ass. I'm gonna get my ass kicked by a rock star. Haha. I'm trying so hard to find a way to the show. I hope it works out. I have to meet them! Aime came over yesterday and gave me a belated birthday present. A cd, since mine got stolen. It's the Cure's Head On The Door. That made me happy. I'm insanely tired. I'm not going back again tomorrow. The hell with hard labor. I have other things to do...like finding a new job. Even more icky. For now, to bed with me.